Ardiel Cider House Dry Cider

Overall

7/10

I may be biased because this is definitely on the dry side and I’m a fan of dry cider.  Go figure I hate dry white wine cause the parallel is there.  Oh and fuck grapefruit with it’s puckery-ass fucked-up-ness.  Who the fuck drinks grapefruit to quench their thirst?  No one that’s fucking who.  So this cider is good.  I won’t call it excellent but it’s good.

Packaging

Shit looks like what a poor person thinks a rich person would have if they had cider in their fridge.  I mean, I’m not opposed to the design style I quite like the line art as well as the typography.  The colour scheme is nice too.  It has some nice verbiage on the can which again hearkens back to the day of reading the back of the cereal box while you had your breakfast.  I feel like if I’m drinking this I should also own a BMW.

“The Blue Mountains, Ontario”?  Seriously fuck right off.  Probably the same asshats that call it “The Beach”.  It’s the “The” fucking “Beaches” get over yourself and get over it.

Ingredients

“100% Pure Ontario Apple”, Sulfites

Appearance

Another nice bubble that came out subtly and sticks to the glass.  Definitely more of a persistent bubble though.  It’s pretty and a nice mid-yellow shade.  It definitely has a visual of carbonated apple juice.

Aroma

The apple smell is there and it’s definitely on the more tart side when you sniff it but it’s gotta be under your nose.

Flavour

You may see the bubbles but it goes down smooth when you drink it.  Almost a bit too smooth.  If anything I might even say despite the carbonation it just feels… flat.  I kinda feel jilted like when you take that cute girl home from the bar only to peel off that padded bra and find she got no titties.  Who invented the padded bra?  It’s fucking evil.  I mean I get it, men are visual.  Men also have extremely low standards.  Trust me titties or no if you pay attention to a man chances are he’s digging you.  Padded bra is just flat out (pun not indended) lying.  I’m gonna start dating again and stuff my jeans when I go to the club.  Imagine your disappointment when that Anaconda you been eyeing is a garter snake.  Definitely tart and definitely dry.

Reinhart’s Red Apple Cider

Overall

7/10

It’s Christmas in a goddamn can!  “Take a drink from Santa’s dick!” or what I used to call summers with uncle Dale before he went to jail.  I think this is the first light cider I’ve reviewed and it doesn’t disappoint.  Yes I know purists will tell you a cider traditionally had a high alcohol content because “reasons” but fuck them.  This would be a great party cider where you want to socialize with friends and have more than a few but don’t want to be on the floor.

Packaging

This can makes me think of Christmas.  Something about the red and gold.  If anything I don’t think the wisest choice because someone like me who’s very peculiar around their selections of food and drink are gonna see this on the shelf mid-July and think “This must be old stock cause it’s Christmas themed.” just like you don’t want that old can of Coke with Santa on it that your friend has had in the fridge for the last 6 months.  Ya it’s in a can but c’mon now.

Ingredients

Apple Cider, Sulphites

Appearance

I like the fizz on this.  The bubbles don’t come out like crazy but it’s another example of how they stick to the glass like a ginger ale.  I don’t know what does that but what the fuck it’s pretty.

Aroma

Smells like teen spir – I mean apples.  I think I’m fighting some sinus thing.  Maybe I shouldn’t be drinking.  Maybe I should.  Maybe go fuck yourself.  I like the smell it’s very subtle and soft.  Like the cider it smells light.

Flavour

Light again.  I actually quite enjoy how, due to the low alcohol content, it’s almost more like a carbonated apple juice.  You can taste the hard aspect of it but at the same time it goes down smooth and sweet.  Sometimes you don’t need a metric fuck-tonne of alcohol to make your drink sing.  Sometimes you just need a well made cider.  You can actually tell that from the ingredients.  This very much feels like they made a nice traditional non-alcoholic cider and then managed to convert it to a hard cider.

Shiny Apple Cider

Overall

7/10

I’m trying to decide if this is a case of you can judge a book by it’s cover or you can’t judge a book by it’s cover.  The can is all flash which would entertain the idea that the cider would be just that.  All flash and a let down.  It isn’t.  Or you could say the can is just ugly as shit and the cider will be to.  It isn’t.  This cider, although 7% (watch the fuck out on these), surprisingly smooth and not strong.  If these were at a bar and some hapless person started slugging these back next thing you know you’re making out with a manly chick with a thick Russian accent heavily implying you go back to her place when you really don’t want to because you want to just play darts with your friends.  So ya, enjoy this cider.  Revel in it.  But play safe cause too many and it’ll take your eye out and I can’t handle another turn on tonight.

Packaging

I’m trying to figure out where I want to start with this. I mean it’s not bad. It definitely stands out. It may not make sense but in terms of “apple” colours we’re kinda fucked with red and green being the staples. I mean, if you look at this can objectively it screams “SHINY” and that’s no lie so I guess to their benefit they met their goal? But what the fuck is a “shiny Ontario Apple”? Methinks that’s bullshit based on a quick !ddg search but I may be wrong. Other than that this can is very superficial and I hope it’s not a sign of things to come. I’m very much a “judge a book by its cover” kind of guy. We all fucking do it. I refuse to pretend we don’t. So I’m judging this shit and I’m judging it harsh. I’m getting a bad impression that this cider is gonna be like a fat girl with a cute face wearing way too much makeup.

 

Ingredients

Fucked if I know, “Made with 100% Shiny Ontario Apples” whatever the fuck that means, sulphites

Appearance

I just realised that without trusting me that this is a different cider every time I could just put the same goddamn picture each time.  I gotta re-think this picture concept.  There was a minor fizz when I popped the can and it was gone on the pour.  I’m looking at the glass now thinking to myself my god the tits on that girl in the background at the raptors game in the stands… I wanna motorboat those.  Then I realise it looks like flat ginger ale.

Aroma

Subdued apple smell but it is there as you pull it to your nose.  As you bring it close it’s really subtle and when it gets under your nose it’s kinda gone.  Nothing unappealing with it though.

Flavour

Colour me surprised.  It’s actually not that bad.  That’s actually an understatement.  It’s pretty damn good.  The fizz is there but not overpowering and the apple really comes through though definitely on the sweet side.  There’s a sweetness there that’s a bit different though.  It’s almost like it’s a more full-bodied sweetness.  It’s like comparing demerara sugar with refined white sugar.  It’s got an aftertaste too which is also pleasant.  Again the apple sits and doesn’t go away.

Thornbury Village

Overall

9/10

I’m really on the fence as to if this is an 8 or a 9 so I’m listing it as an 9 for now.  I will intend, after drinking enough cider, to do a champions circle and revisit the best ciders I’ve drank to rank those accordingly.  I am NOT doing that with the shit ciders because fuck you that’s why.

This cider just tastes like perfection.  It goes down so smooth.  The apples are not hiding they are central to the presentation.  Nothing stands out as being pretentious with this cider.  It’s a good, simple cider.

Packaging

I love this can. It just hits everything for me. It’s kitchy and quaint. It screams apple without smacking you in the face which is not what you want. Like you don’t want a big pair of balls on some guy named Mark smacking you in the face when you’re on a discrete rendezvous in a park bathroom relieving your homosexual tendencies. Everything about this can just plays on and acknowledges how prissy any demographic can be with snobs. This is a “Ontario Craft Cider” which I’m sure draws in snooty fuckers referring to the bouquet of flavours and rich tannins and shit when slugging it back. Plus I know Thornbury very well. There’s actually a lot of fucking orchards up there so I don’t doubt they’re making it fresh. Also kudos on highlighting they have a master cider maker. I ain’t no snob but I know that’s a real thing and it means good things await.

 

Ingredients

“100% Ontario Apples”, Sulphites

I wish for two things.

  1. I knew what types of apples they were throwing in a can
  2. The ability to easily tell the types of apples

Appearance

Now this is some nice bubbles.  On the initial pour the fizz comes out strong.  Again, not liking the peroxide sound shit weirds me out and always will.  That said it subsides fast and this has a nice persistent carbonation that runs throughout and oddly the bubbles seem to want to stick more to the glass.

Aroma

My God.  The glass is sitting about 3 feet from my nose and I can smell the apples.  I think I’m in love.  Bringing it to my nose it’s even better.  It’s such a fragrant smell.  It doesn’t overpower but man you know the star in this cider.  We ain’t hiding that this is apples.  There’s almost a sweetness and freshness that’s being exuded from the glass.

Flavour

Where’s the bubbles?!  Happily I am surprised they aren’t there.  You can clearly see them all through the glass but it just goes down smooth.  This shit is going down smoother than the disappearance of Brian Dunklemans career post-American Idol.  You want to know what it means to have a Master Cider Maker?  Drink this cider.  Fuck me it’s good.  You can taste the apples.  It’s a bit on the sweet side for me definitely not dry but it’s also got a very light and fresh taste to it.

Duxbury Cider Co. Heritage 1650

Overall

6/10

This is some half decent shit I can dig it. I’m not gonna drink a lot of it on account of the flavour being too sweet for my personal preference but I really like the apple taste. What I’m not liking is the weird flatness which is tied to the fucked up nonsense they have going on with their carbonation process. It’s like the carbonation equivalent of premature ejaculation. Can gets popped. Crazy ass fiz. You pour. Bam that shit is gone.

Packaging

Another happy example of simple effective design. I love the colours and I love the bold clear font. Nothing on this can screams “cider” and that’s perfectly fine. That said, I love the little detail of the workhorse pulling the cart full of apple cider. I also like how to put a story on the back of the can. Ya it’s your typical clichéd bullshit but who cares. It’s like being a kid and eating your cereal while you read the nutritional label. I hope I wasn’t the only kid that did that…

Ingredients

Ontario Apples, Sulphites

Appearance

Ok so that bubbling was weird. I have never seen bubbles come out in such force to completely dissipate. I know it’s not the analogy you want to hear but shit was like when you pour peroxide on an open wound. Christ even the sound was the same. Miss me with that shit. That said, I miss the bubbles. The colour is a good light yellow. It looks mild. I like it.

Aroma

Can definitely smell the apple which is good. I get no tickle from the bubbles when smelling which is also good. Phantom bubbles. Probably better they aren’t there. They saw my perplexed look and decided to fuck right off.

Flavour

So that’s a strong apple flavour. Sweet not dry which I’m not a fan of but damn it’s definitely cider. I actually have to say thus far even with the ciders I haven’t reviewed yet this is by far the strongest apple flavour which is surprising in that I don’t understand why it’s not more common.

FYI I’m noticing that of all the descriptive words I enjoy, shit has to be up there.

Apple & Cherry Cider

Overall

7/10*

This is a good cider.  I’m gonna be contradictory here because this statement is true but so is the reverse.  Nothing says a good cider like one that you can sit and drink and savour and then walk away.  A good “one and done” cider.  This is a “summer Sunday afternoon working on the deck” cider.

The * is there because I gotta be honest.  I can hear my dad now “sure it can be good but it’s not a cider”.  As soon as you throw anything in a cider that isn’t an apple it ceases to be a cider.  I mean he’s probably right and he sure as shit has more of a basis to be right because he’s from England.  To be honest I don’t even know what he would refer to this as so I just messaged my mum to find out.  Yes I message my mum to ask my dad something.  Wanna make something of it?

So my dad says “No idea… you?”.  Don’t put that shit on me.  Now I got something to think about.

Packaging

So fancy eh?  So this is my first Collective Arts cider to review and it’s not gonna be the last.  I understand their can design may be an acquired taste.  I must admit I’m a fan though looking at this can more I draw serious issues with it.  The floating head is just weird.  I just realized there’s a hand down there.  The branches I’m going to assume are flowering apple blossoms or cherry blossoms who knows and more importantly who gives a shit.  I do however like the layout of the can.  Image aside it’s crisp and properly designed.  I can’t leave it alone now that I’ve seen it.  What the fuck is with that hand?  What is it coming out of?  The image looks like it was designed by an OCAD student who’s a fan of Salvador Dali and pulling it solid C grades.

   

Ingredients

Apples, Cherry Juice, Sulphites

At this point I’m curious if I will ever find a cider without sulphites.  I mean can we do like how most beer has carbon and then along comes Guinness which uses nitrogen instead?

Appearance

Red rum.  Red rum.  What you can’t see is me saying that and doing the thing with my finger.  As an adult my god that motion could be intensely suggestive.  I really like the bubbles in this one.  It comes out nice and fizzy.

Aroma

Cherry does have a tendency to give a strong smell and this is no difference.  In cases like this the cherry is the star while the apple is the base.

Flavour

Despite the smell the apple is not taking the back seat.  It’s actually quite good there’s a healthy mix of the apple with the cherry with neither overpowering each other.  I mean I know we traded Jonas Valančiūnas and I love him but dudes basketball IQ still has so much work.  Guy has so much talent but can make such dumb mistakes.  The carbonation really helps with the flavour too in a way it helps elevate it.  I definitely like how they list the types of apples as it may be a placebo effect but I feel I can taste the different apples.  Fuck I love apples.

Ironwood Hard Cider

Overall

3/10

Is this even supposed to taste like something? Why is there so much goddamn disappointing cider? Shit is cider flavoured water. I keep revisiting my ratings because fuck me if I keep disappointing myself with this journey. At this point I think I’m in the search for bad cider not good cider. Hey, on the plus side when was the last time I held something hard, black, thick and over 6 inches in my hand?

Packaging

Jesus fuck where do I start with this? OK… three angles off the top of my head.
1. It’s like the intention when designing this cider was “Let’s go for the market of people with truck balls or Calvin pissing on the FORD logo.” I feel like I should be wearing a NO FEAR t-shirt and a Fox racing hat or something.
2. It’s like they’re tapping into the sexual repression of the middle aged white men that are inevitably drinking this shit. I mean c’mon now… “Hard”. “Ironwood”. Big black can. Fuck if this can had it’s way it would probably be cuckolding my wife. Praise god I don’t bring a 6-pack home with me cause I’ve seen enough porn to know how that goes.
3. Are they going for the “Labatt Ice Beer” angle? Believe it!



Ingredients

“Crafted from fresh pressed Canadian apples made traditionally with a dry finish a true Canadian Cider”, Sulphites (and probably water… lots of fucking water but that’s not listed)

Appearance

Shits clear yo. You’re gonna see a trend going on in this review. Clear like fucking water. Clear like if you took a gallon of apple juice, mixed it with a gallon of water turned it into cider and then mixed in a gallon of vodka to bring the alcohol content up. It has bubbles I guess. This this is disappointing.


Aroma

Very muted. Like smells like water with a slight apple smell to it. Sometimes you might catch a whiff of the booze in it. Overall it’s almost like it’s not there.

Flavour

Meh. Go back up to the aroma. It’s like water with a slight apple taste to it. I swear I taste the booze more than I taste the apple. I gotta go back to my Rougemont comment from another review. These fuckers took it one step further. Not only does it taste like I’m drinking Rougemont apple juice but it’s like they watered down the apple juice and not just a little. It’s like being in highschool and replacing half your uncles vodka bottle with water and not realizing he’s gonna find out when the vodka freezes in the freezer because you’re an absolute dumbass.

Ernest Cider

Overall

7/10

I’m going to be biased because this cider is crafted about 15 minutes north of me in Newmarket, Ontario and I already have a history with it having drunk it many times to excess.  This cider is good and deadly and is very “buyer beware” when you start drinking them.  If you’re me, this cider will arrive with you at a friends pool party, get you obscenely drunk to the point where you will be lying on the grass with someone bringing you Gatorade forcing you to drink it and ultimately end up fucking up your ankle for the second year in a row.

Packaging

Now here we go!  Nothing on this goddamn can denotes that it’s derived from apples.  It does, however, allude to the fact that bees and honey are involved.  I like this can.  It’s simple yet elegant and trust me when you’re at the store it does stand out.  They’ve also crammed a lot of information on their can in a way that doesn’t stand out but is worth while.  “Handcrafted.  Slowly Fermented Dry.  Never From Concentrate.  Gently Carbonated.”  Christ Almighty they had me at “Never from Concentrate”.  Please God enough of the apple juice!

 

Ingredients

Apples, Pure Honey, Organic Cane Sugar, Potassium Sorbate, Sulphites

Appearance

Effervescent.  What was that?  Schweppes?  Canada Dry?  This is a very mid-tone colour and I’d argue looks clean.  The bubbles subdue very quickly but seem to sustain in the glass pretty good.  At this point I need say “Fuck you.  I’m drinking out of a tumbler.  I know it’s not the right glass for a cider.  This is me not giving a shit.”

Aroma

Finally an apple smell I can get behind.  As soon as you raise the glass to your notes you get a good smell of apples with the slightest touch of honey.  Apples and bee vomit just go together so well.  I wonder if cider is a favourite among alcoholics for a morning drink?  Screwdrivers would make the most sense but you have to mix that shit.  This you just have to pop a can and blammo!  Crippling depression at 7am.

Flavour

Sweet and dry at the same time.  The bubbles are barely there when you take a drink.  It goes down insanely smooth which is not necessarily a good thing.  The honey definitely helps on the sweet aspect and I’d imagine the cane sugar does too.  The sweetness is robust not like what you’d get out of a spoonful of sugar.  This cider also sticks around after you take a swig in the best way possible.  The apple flavour lingers in your mouth like when you’ve been eating a peach all night long.  One negative is it’s not really that dry despite saying it is.  I mean I’m not expecting a glass of sand and I’m definitely not a fan of dry but this shit ain’t dry.

Spirit Tree Draught Cider

Overall

4/10

A good cider should not come from apple juice. I mean you do press apples to make cider but that doesnt entail you jump right to apple juice. I feel like I’m going to be hammered with volumes of middling ciders. The next one made with apple juice im drinking out of a kids cup with a straw. Disappointed.

Packaging

I feel like my cans and bottles are going to be a cacophony of reds and greens. I dont like the sticks though cause it looks like pine needles and gives me bad flashbacks to my teen years and bad gin mixed with whatever we could get our hands on. I’m not strongly opposed to the design but it’s not perfect and needs tweaks. I dont like the black crown either.  I mean we get it.  Apples come from fucking trees.  Potatoes come from the ground you don’t see all vodka coming in brown bottles with eyes printed all over them.

Ingredients

“100% freshly pressed apple juice slowly aged in our cellar”, contains sulphites

Appearance

A bit of a heavier initial bubble and a good sustained fizz. I would argue a bit of a darker yellow. Still very much looks like apple juice. I do question if I will get so vain as to get a manicure with the amount of hand shots I am now taking.

Aroma

Barely has a smell which is surprising. When I initially pull it to my nose there’s a strange smell which I want to blame on something else but its distinctly apple so has to be the cider. It’s like a weird chemical smell that’s there for a fraction of a second and gone. I am unsure as to if I should be worried.

Flavour

There’s a sweetness there which is mixed with a tartness and every time I bring the cup to my nose I get kicked with that odd smell. I’m not complaining about this cider but the taste is very much “if I drink too many of these I will yak”. I dont mean this in a mean way but I feel like it was distilled in a bathtub. That doesnt inherently make it bad… it just means it was in a bathtub.  A bathtub that, judging from the packaging, was in the cellar?

Forbidden Dry Cider

Overall

5/10

It’s not that I’ve had worse cider. It’s that I’ve had better. Like when a child does some stupid shit I find myself looking at the can and thinking to myself “You could have done better”. Hell I’m gonna be brutally honest I’ve never made cider in my life. It’s possible I could have done better. Fermented apple juice my ass. That’s just next level lazy.

Packaging

Meh. I know shit is subjective but I don’t want to feel like I’m about to drink Halloween in a can. I feel like if I were to google “Tim Burton’s favourite cider” this would come up as the top hit. I had to re-check the can to make sure I didn’t see Copperplate Gothic in the font.

FORBIDDEN.

Ingredients

Fermented Apple Juice, sugar, sulphites (seriously this review is starting to make sense now)

Appearance

Holy shit it’s cider. It’s like pale yellow with bubbles. I do like bubbles though. I don’t want enough to tickle my nose like a good ginger beer but bubbles are a friend to cider. The colour does seem to look a bit too “apple juice” for me.

Aroma

Surprisingly there’s not much of a smell. I’m trying to think of a quantification but I keep falling on “neutral”. I mean I can smell the cider it just smells… muted?

Flavour

It’s definitely got bitter undertones. It’s got a good cider taste in that it doesn’t taste like apple juice but it’s almost like the combination of apples just doesnt work. In a way to be contradictory it does taste like apple juice.  Shit is “Fermented apple juice” it’s on the goddamn can!  So ya.  Apple juice with bubbles and an alcohol tinge.  I can’t leave this review alone I keep leaving and coming back.  It tastes like they went to Costco and bought a skid of Rougemont apple juice and decided to turn it into cider.