Seagram Premium Craft Cider



Edit – this is now the next morning and I had to go back to this review because my personal indictment of this review is drawn in parallel to this cider. My disappointment in this review is only equaled by my disappointment in this cider.

“Craft” cider my ass. Not bad enough that I want to yack but really is that a basis to want to have a drink on? This drink is the equivalent of having a buddy tell you “So I’m gonna give you an option. I’m gonna play Rochambeau with you or I’m gonna stick my finger in your ass.” Really is either of those beneficial to you at the end of the day?

I wouldn’t clean my paint brushes with this cider.

This is the cider you keep in your fridge for when friends come over that you don’t really like in the hopes that when they drink it they don’t come over anymore.


I apologise in advance to Seagram but then I remind myself it’s now an international conglomerate so they could really give two shits what I say. Let’s start with the obvious. “Craft” cider. This cider is “Craft” cider like saying Michael Jackson was an indie artist. Everything about this godforsaken can screams “Corporate” like the giant artwork you see hanging in office buildings. This can does absolutely nothing for me. It gets the message across. Whoopdie shit.

“Artisanat Prime” sounds like a version of Optimus Prime dressed like a fucking mime that talks in french.

Only one pic of the can because you sure as shit know it’s the same thing on the other side. Why? Because the can is cheaper to produce and assemble I’m sure.


“Made with Real Canadian Apples”

I really wish I took corporate law or whatever bullshit you need to parse this level of parcel talk. This is one of those “What we’re saying is 100% correct” but I bet the truth is more something like “We have a vat with 1000 apples in it and 1 of those is from Canada.”


You know those days when you pee and for some reason it’s really frothy and has a lot of foam? Ya that’s what this looks like when it comes out. The bubbles are pretty big in this one and seem to be pretty persistent. It’s got a pretty mid-yellow tinge to it.


Doesn’t smell that bad. Clearly apple. Bit of a smell I can’t put my finger on like a lingering chemical aspect. Yeah there’s definitely a “This is apple, but something is in this that ain’t apple” kind of smell.


Fuck me I’ve had worse but I don’t like this shit. I feel like I should be snapping a pic of my face as I try these. There’s something… It’s not tart it’s something else. There is tart in there which is good it’s the something else that’s in there which is annoying me. Fuck and now I’ve gotta finish this can now that I’ve opened it.