Farmed & Dangerous Cider

Overall

5/10

Seriously this continues to be the only goddamn thing of value that came out of Hamilton.  Billy Van is a goddamn national treasure and “The Hilarious House of Frightenstein” should be required viewing for all Canadians.

That said, this cider is shit like being stuck watching CHCH on a Sunday Night cause your rabbit ears can’t pull in Global.  That said….

It’s the Finals up in this bitch!

Packaging

I was on the fence with reviewing a cider tonight because the Raps are currently up by 10 on the Warriors.

I mean, right now this is Toronto.

Fuck Golden State and their motherfucking Kevin “I’m gonna join a 73-9 team that don’t need no help cause I’m a bitch” Durant.

But enough of that, let’s talk about the glory of this fucking can.  This fucking can screams fucking Hamilton which is exactly where this shit is from.  It’s loud.  It’s obnoxious.  It’s fucking stupid.  Christ I’d say it’s lowbrow and it’s not a stretch.  I’m expecting this to be as good as if a teenager has decided on a weekend to brew a cider for shits and giggles.

Side note I hate the fake ass bullshit like “we are donating a portion of the proceeds from every case sold to ….” let’s be real.

  1. I paid like 3$ for this can.  A case is around 80$.
  2. Tell me what “a portion” is or fuck right off

This is goddamn fake fucking “we care” bullshit that I seriously question if people believe that shit.  They could donate a fucking penny out of 80$ and it’s still “a portion”.  Fuck with money being electronic now they could donate .001% of 80$ and it’s still a goddamn portion.

Fuck Hamilton and fuck your goddamn stupid-ass can.

 

Ingredients

Apples, Sulphites

Well at least they’re honest about this shit.  Fuck how do I throw emojis in a goddamn blog?

🙄

Appearance

I like the fizz on this.  I almost felt like I was pouring a Canada Dry or some shit.  All I can think of is John Cleese peddling ginger ale and it brings a sm-

-Jesus I’m trying to be nice here John!  Fuck you.  I hope this cider is good out of spit you vindictive motherfucker.

Aroma

Meh.  Smells like apple ya but also smells strong.  It’s like borderline “this is the shit I expect from a can that looks like this”.  God fuck it might as well see what I’m getting.

Flavour

Soon as it touches my lips I can feel this shit ain’t gonna be good.  Fucking alcohol water with a touch of apple.  Disappointed I am.

I really can’t explain it but it’s a shitty cider quality.  You take a sip and it’s not got that body.  You can taste that it’s fucking watery booze with an apple taste.  Furthermore you then get the strong taste which is equally meh.

 

Magners Irish Cider Original

Overall

6/10

I’ll take it.  It’s not overly bad.  If there were 2 ciders on the shelf at the store (this and Strongbow) I think I’d edge out on this one.  It’ll do the job when you want an enjoyable cider that doesn’t turn you into the fucking leprechaun.

Packaging

Imagine old people drinking cider and this can is in fucking spades and I can’t hate on it for that.  Know your fucking audience and I wanna say that Magners knows it’s fucking audience.  I mean for the love of god this can give me the same warm feel I would get from holding a newspaper.  It reeks of a time that has died off with the advent of The Internet.  There is nothing bad about the design on this can you just need to look at it from a different lens.  This is a can from a bygone era.  You embrace that shit and you live with it.

 

Copperplate Gothic I mean what else can I really say.  That shit alone, if you have any experience with design… It’s cause for pause.  I mean it’s fucking hilarious but c’mon it’s like throwing comic sans on shit.

I can’t stress enough.  This can is like fucking old people.  Not “fucking old people” you sick fuck.  it’s fucking old people.  Not just fucking old people.  Fucking old people from that part of the world.  I don’t know if it’s fucking ok to say United Kingdom.  I don’t think it is.  Shit is just silly like this.

Ingredients

Cider, Sugar, Citric Acid, Colour, Sodium Metabisulphite, Contains Sulphites

OK.  It’s colour with a ‘U’ on the fucking can.  Fucking European master race eh?!  What the fuck is Sodium Metabisulphite?

Appearance

Shit is bordering on orange. Fizz is gone in a heartbeat. No bubbles to be found. Maybe the magic is because I’m not serving it over ice?

What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.

Aroma

It’s got a nice smell kinda like me. Soft and smooth like a leprechaun’s ass. Think about the expression “you have a horseshoe up your ass”. That would be fucking uncomfortable. I mean I’m up for the challenge but I don’t think it would make me lucky. I would be that person to ask if the horse is attached though.

Flavour

It’s not bad.  It’s got a good mellow flavour.  If you’re 75 and want a cider but you’re old as shit and don’t know what a nickle can buy you’re gonna want this.  Is it a shiny new nickle or is it a wood nickle?  Wait… Is America independent now?  Is the fucking potato famine over?

What you want Seamus?

That’s fucking right you goddamn stereotype.  But I don’t have that I have a goddamn cider so enjoy your collapsing economy and inability to live in your own goddamn country.

Strongbow Gold

Overall

7/10

Not my cup of tea but then again it’s not fucking tea it’s a goddamn apple cider ya turd.  I enjoy it.  I enjoy it more than many other ciders I’ve had.  And this gif sums that up perfectly.  You’re thinking “WTF is up here?  Oh shit ‘dis kid dumb! Oh wait.  It’s actually good!”

“Pull”.

Yeah son, that’s what I do to my penis and I’m always gonna be better than you at that.

Packaging

Simple and to the point.  I think at this point we all know the Strongbow label regardless of we drank it before or not.  Strongbow is like cider before it was cool.  I knew a chick to swore by Strongbow.  It must have been trying times for her 25 years ago when no-one knew what the fuck cider was.

 

Ingredients

Cider, Flavour (Apple), Contains Sulphites

“Flavour (Apple)”

Fuck it.  I’m out!

Appearance

What madness is this? A white background? Is the KKK sponsoring this review? What sort of Final Solution could come from this review?

Luckily it’s not juice!  It’s cider!

The bubbles. They came and they gone. Like a divorced father saying goodbye to his paycheck. Like a married woman giving her husband blowjobs. Like a 10 year old boy hugging his parents. It’s there then goodbye.

Aroma

Smells like apples. Actually a really subtle apple aroma and pleasant too. I have to say I’m surprised and I’m going to run with it. It’s simple. There’s shit to be stressed to all you mint and basil fuckers. Simple is just fine. Just don’t go full retard.  No matter how much fun it may seem at the time.

Flavour

Hot damn. I mean it’s definitely sweet but this is a drink that screams summer patio at lunch. The lightness of it speaks to the casual nature of the drink.  I like.

D’ont Poke The Bear

Overall

6/10

If I’m going to attempt to poke the eye out of a bear I’m not going to use my finger that’s for damn sure.  I’d own that shit and use my penis.  H’ows that for asserting dominance?  Seriously?  A dinosaur dildo?

This is another…. AFUCKINGNOTHER… middling cider.  Not bad.  Not good.  Not horrible.  Not amazing.  I’d drink these for a night and wouldn’t complain.

Packaging

I d’ont get this shit. I’m assuming there’s some reason why i’ts “D’ont” and not “Don’t”? I d’ont get it. Maybe I’m not Canadian enough? I mean, I get t’heres a lot of bears in Canada but it’s not what I’d imagine as a Canadian icon. Go balls in and make it a goose or something. You d’ont want to poke an animal you d’ont poke a fucking Canada Goose. Vindictive fucking birds.

I mean I d’ont mind the look of the can. I’ts unique and it stands out on the shelf at the LCBO. That said, i’ts just kinda stupid. I feel like this is what w’ed get if Trump was Canadian and invented a cider. Grammar problems. Russian icon. Just fucking nonsense.

 

Ingredients

“100% Ontario Apple Cider”

I really hate shit like this. Iv’e done my lawyer rant. This shit is frustrating. I’ts a goddamn grey area when i’ts ingredients in a consumable. I d’ont believe for 1 minute the only goddamn thing in here is apples. I mean they state in another place “Contains Sulphites” which is fair but water? Is it apples? Is it apple juice? I know i’ts fucking cider. T’hats what you made. How did you fucking make it you jacked up fuckers?

Appearance

A really tight fizz that dissipated as fast as it came like a 46 year old accountant getting a blowjob from a hooker in his car in a shitty area of town.  You seriously think Richard Gere has ever had to pay for sex?  Any why the fuck is a horse getting into the car with him?

Nice mid-hue yellow.  L’ets see w’hats up.  Hint.  I’ts not my penis.

Aroma

Smells like alcoholic apple juice.  No weird smell which is good.  Not overly strong.  Il’l take it.  You can also smell a sweetness.  L’ets explore it with our mouths!

Flavour

Not bad!  I’ts not super dry.  It has a sweetness to it that is coming from the apples and I’m digging it.  That said, I dig drinking apple juice and i’ts kinda what this is.  Carbonated apple juice.  Iv’e had the Rougemont rant I’m going to expand this one to Allen’s.  You know i’ts the fucking superior apple juice but you d’ont want to buy it because you gotta pierce a fucking can and you don’t got time for that.  T’heres like a niggling aftertaste I c’ant put my finger on too.

I have no idea who did the marketing for No Frills on their most recent ad campaign but this shit is fucking off the hook good.

I d’ont normally shop at No Frills but this shit is tight.  I want to see them play more with reality though and show a commercial like this full of old people living on a shoestring buying staples with their meagre pension.  Lemme see grandma dab on them haters.

Sarah Cole Premium Cider Whip

Overall

6/10

Dance you glorious girls. Dance! Whip that fucking Nae Nae!

Can I say it’s kinda weird that whip became a very urbanized term when historically if you’re black… Whips ain’t normally shit you want to be talking about in a jocular way. I mean, unless you’re Dave Chappelle. RIP Charlie Murphy. Fuck you white slave owners.

That said I need to wrap this shit up cause I’m feeling the booze.  This game is fucking amazing and I have so many things I need to rant about so I have to hop into my parent blog over at shameless plug.  Speaking of plugs.  There’s something I’d love to plug right now.  Repeated-fucking-ly.

So despite the looks of this fucking can it’s not bad.

Packaging

This is, bar none, the shittiest design I have seen in a can in a long time. I’m at a loss for words. What the fuck is up with the horse? What the fuck is up with the colour scheme? The random fucking lines? “Crackling Carbonated Cider”? Seriously what.the.fuck?

I’m showing my age but I went “Na na, na na, na na na na na na” in my head looking at this gif.  “Say my name again… Say my name again!”

Note to self. When searching for “What the fuck gif” in bing make sure your safe search is on strict sweet jesus the porn you get! Oh and yeah, I use https://images.bing.com. Why? Because fuck you that’s why. Bing is better for images and video. If you don’t agree you’re not a depraved deviant.

This can sucks more ass than a meth-head looking for a fix and the only way for that fix is through my glorious sphincter.

I feel like I’ve put my 6 year old daughter in charge of makeup, she does this and I’m really not surprised because she’s fucking 6 years old.

Honey.  You’re not a fucking clown.  Stop trying to be one.

 

Ingredients

Do we even care at this point?

“Made of Apples, So Naturally Gluten-Free, Contains Sulphites”

This is the most pretentious bullshit I have ever witnessed and it’s wrapped in the shittiest goddamn wrapping paper I could imagine.

Appearance

That is some yellow fucking cider.  Like this is a hard night of drinking and I’m taking my first piss of the next day.  The foam ain’t as bad but sheeeit.  Yellow.  Nice tight bubble though.  Sam Mitchell has aged well.  Black don’t crack you fuckers.

Aroma

I can smell it beside my laptop.  Full disclosure at this point.  I have a Raptors game on.  It’s must win cause it always is in the playoffs.  We are playing the best team in the league this year.  I’m 3 fucking drinks in.  I’m horny.  I was looking up whip pictures earlier when sober and found this.

Kevin Durant may want to drink Scarlett Johansson’s bathwater… I want Michelle Pfeiffer.  But get this.  I don’t like blondes.

You can smell apples.  Not bad.  How bout ‘dem apples?

Flavour

Fuck let’s do it.  Or better, let’s quote my good friend Bill O’Reilly.

Flavour isn’t bad.  There’s a type of apple in there which I can’t put my finger on but I like it.  I want to say McIntosh because I like the taste but it’s a shit apple.  You know what?  I’m going to make another splinter blog where I’m going to review apples.  I need to express my everloving disdane for modern red delicious apples.  Used to be one of my favourite fucking apples and then man fucks it up just like we fucked up everything else.

quick edit – Vankleek Hill sounds fucking made up.  It’s out near Ottawa.  I couldn’t care less.  Before you tell me that’s not the expression I have my answer.  I’m correct.  I seriously couldn’t care less.  I’m at the bottom of my caring.  Fuck you James Vanderbeek you Dawson Creek motherfucker with your teenage drama and shit.

I don’t wanna wait.  For this love to be over… do do dooo do do do fuck you.

Ernest Wild Blueberry Cider

Overall

6/10

As it stands this is their weakest cider yet.  It’s good don’t get me wrong.  I may have to go back and revisit it as the first cider on a nice afternoon and it may change my outlook.  It’s got a simplicity about itself but it’s missing something to kick it up.  Might be a bit of sweetness.  Might be something to lift the apple up a bit more.  Might need me getting aggressive head.  I don’t know but it’s missing something.

If I was rating cider on aroma though… Fuck me…  It’s good.

Packaging

On. Fucking. Point.

Before I digress I gotta rant. I still put two goddamn spaces after a period. I know the prevailing common sense now is just one space is required but I can’t fucking do it. Two spaces. I’m gonna rail into the lights like fucking Picard until the Cardassians fucking strap the bottoms of my feet. “There are two spaces!”

I really love their branding. I can continue to talk about it. The Rubee I reviewed last I think is my least favourite but the Impeachment and this one I fucking love. I love the monochrome tartan. I love the splash of colour. I’ll say it again, you go into a store and you see lines of cans and this shit stands out. It’s consistent. It’s little shit like the metallic gold highlights. The bee on the can. Again the little messages on the back.

I know I’m being a homer again because it’s made down the street from me but this shit is good too but damn the branding is tight like your girl been doing kegels waiting for you to slam your thickness into her. That’s a black hole I want to get sucked into

Ingredients

Apples, Wild Blueberries, Wild Blueberry Juice, Honey, Potassium Sorbate, Sulphites

I’m liking the sound of this. No fucking clue what the difference is between a blueberry and a wild blueberry but I’m guessing a wild blueberry probably does ATM or something. Blueberry you want to fuck with but you ain’t bringing it home to meet your parents.

Appearance

It’s a goddamn lie it isn’t blue. What is interesting is the bubbles came and left. Only thing I’ve witnessed come and go quicker is me after I’ve not been touched sensually for a few weeks.  Fuck I’m admiring my hand there.  That’s a working mans hand.  Chicks dig scrapes and shit.

Aroma

I can smell this shit it’s filling up the room with its glory.  I’m really digging the smell and fuck me it’s blueberry.  Goddamn yum.

You don’t get that reference tough shit.

Flavour

The bark is better than the bite sadly.  You pull this to your nose and the smell is fucking awesome but then you take a swill and I can’t explain it.  It’s a bit flat.  It’s a bit bitter.  It’s dry.  It’s missing something to elevate it.  Not saying I’d know what that something is but it’s missing it.  Maybe it’s because this is my 3rd cider today.  Maybe it’s because I started with Impeachment and tainted myself on awesomeness too early.

Fuck I love peaches.  Love the feeling of a sweet juicy peach in my mouth the light fuzz against my face as I eat it slowly.

Ernest Cider Rubee

Overall

7/10

I’ll be honest this ain’t my thing but at the same time it’s damn good.  I’m not a fan of tart cherries.  I’m not a fan of cranberries.  Fuck I didn’t used to be a fan of cider but you know what?  Here I fucking am and its not bad.

Imagine making it rain with coins at a strip club?  Fuck that would piss off everyone.  Just someone throwing a handful of loonies and toonies at the stage.

Packaging

I’ve waxed poetic on this brand this is no exception. It’s just simple and perfect. Their branding is really on point with all their ciders. You know right away as soon as you step into the store they’re all made by the same company. Consistency is key when you have a product that people like. If I see a can that looks like theirs rest assured I’m going to buy it because they have the quality and the can really helps that stand out.

Plus it makes me think of one of the best songs of all time. What the fuck happened to country? Like rock it turned into the most vapid stupid bullshit. Sadly hip hop is going/gone that way too. The underground remains strong but it’s exceedingly hard to find…. LIKE MY PENIS!

Seriously listen to the lyrics. It’s about a Vietnam Vet who’s paralyzed and his wife is gussying up to go out and get laid and he’s pleading for her not to. Shit is deeeeeeep.

Ingredients

Apples, Cranberries, Tart Cherries, Honey, Organic Cane Sugar, Potassium Sorbate, Sulphites

I like that they specify tart cherries cause it makes sense. You don’t want sweet at this point. Let’s be honest. I’m sweet enough.

Appearance

Like a bat to the face this shit ain’t subtle and sometimes you gotta live with it.  Watching the bubbles settle I’m reminded of how much of an abomination it is putting food colouring in drinks like green beer.  This is a delicious deeper pink to red that just begs to be drank.  God I love the taste of pink.  It’s really a colour that begs to be tasted and drank.  I feel I’ve gone on that tangent before.

The bubbles have subsided and now it’s a really small persistent bubble.  It looks good.  Let’s dig in.

Aroma

Oh it smells so tart.  I’m smelling it and I’m making this face.  I’m also realizing this is officially a Ken/Kenny post.  If you don’t get why well fuck you.

Flavour

Not as tart as it smells and I’m not complaining but damn the cherry is there in the best way possible.  Speaking of cherries.  Would you believe I’ve never popped a cherry?  I mean, I understand how some people enjoy that shit but was never my thing.  Why would I want to have sex with someone who doesn’t know how to have sex?  Fuck then you gotta train them and shit it’s just a pain in the ass.  Experience is key.  I want a girl that can bring shit to the table I maybe never thought of before.  God I love sex.  I also love the flavour of this cider.

No Boats On Sunday 100% Ontario Hopped Cider

Overall

6/10

Seriously who deepthroats a goddamn neck of a beer bottle?  You confused yet?  Fucking enjoy the journey into the madness of my high school years.  Will I review beer one day?

So if you like cider with hops?  I’ve given you two choices now.  Fuck the other one get this one instead.

Packaging

Simple and makes me think of summer which I’m going to assume is their point here.  This will be nitpicking though there’s something about the shape of the bottle here I’m not loving.  The flair on the neck just seems off and the proportions seem off.  I’m staring at the neck of this bottle and I’m having the most random thought so I have to grab my old high school yearbook for a magical trip about 16 years ago.

Gather around the fire you motherfuckers for a tale of homo-eroticism that can only come from growing up in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere.

So I want to say in grade 13 I somehow found myself at a bush party with friends.  I was rolling with a pretty rough crew at that point.  A lot of booze.  A lot of weed.  We were doing a lot of break and enters.  We were destroying property.  Theft.  Pretty much name it we were in it.  Idle hands are truly the devil’s playmate.  So here I get pulled to this house party and we’re all drinking the staples.  Budweiser, Labatt, Molson.  Always bottles because what the fuck was a can back then?

Anyways, I’m 100% sure this happened and I’m 99.99% sure it was Tim Lee but somehow the events moved to for some reason this guy deep throating the neck of a beer bottle.  This was a dude who looked like this would be the last thing he would be doing.  I’m talking he would fit in an Alan Jackson music video.  Hell everyone I went to school with would fit in an Alan Jackson music video.

Then again, in hindsight… Kinda gay.

Ingredients

Apple Cider, Water, Sugar, Maltic Acid, Potassium Sorbate, Potassium Metabisulphate, Hop Extract

CHEMISTRY MOTHERFUCKER!  IT’S MAGIC IN A BOTTLE!

Equally gay but you know in reality Doug Henning was rolling in pussy.  Fucking magicians.

Appearance

This came out flat.  Not sure if it’s because of the bottling.  Anyways it’s got a good mid-hue and with no bubbles very much looks like juice.

Aroma

Very mild to the point I’m wondering if I have a cold cause I ain’t smelling shit.  I don’t smell apples (sucks).  I don’t smell hops (thank fuck).  So here I am wondering what the fuck I’m about to drink and really wishing I read the labels before I bought it cause I was not a fan of the last hopped cider.

Flavour

Less hoppy than the last one at least going by memory.  It goes down smooth in part due to the minimal carbonation and the hop flavour is very, very subtle.  Again this is a niche I feel there are people who genuinely like this.  It’s not me.  I’ll drink this.  I may well enjoy it, but don’t force this on me.  That’s just doing the dirty.  Fuck this is 500mL too.  I gots a lot of drinking to do.  Let’s see if the Raptors win?  It’s actually a really good balance between the hops and the cider.  It’s a bit on the sweet side too which probably helps me with the enjoyment.

Growers Honeycrisp Apple

Overall

6/10

This cider has the potential to grow in on you if you give it the chance.  It’s a cider that really needs to be in your mouth to appreciate.  Sure there may be better ciders out there but there’s also worse.  I have to give it a 6 because that’s a good number that will frankly fill you just enough but not too much.

Packaging

It’s the official cider of my penis. I guess in that respect you know it’s gonna be good. I’m actually going to review this cider as I would review my penis.

The can has a nice shape. It’s thick and long. It’s got good colouring. It’s got a couple of really nice apples hanging on it that are a good size and you can tell they’re going to be juicy. Everything just looks well proportioned. I look forward to tasting it.

Ingredients

Carbonated Water, Cider, Natural Flavour, Colour

Sounds like there’s a lot of liquid trapped in this oddly phallic tube. I think it needs to be drained.

Appearance

Man there was a lot in there I ended up getting some on my hand I should really keep paper towel around.  Licking it off my hand it’s sweet.  I can’t believe I managed to drain it into a glass it really needs to be shared.  It has a nice light hue to it and good small bubbles.

Aroma

It has a nice aroma probably from all the pineapple juice I drink.  You can really smell the apples.  You really need to get close to it to appreciate it and it may just leave you wanting to have it in your mouth and down your throat.

Flavour

It goes down smooth and it’s definitely sweet with a great aftertaste.  You put this in your mouth and you definitely want to have it in your mouth again after it goes away.  It doesn’t stand out.  It’s simple but it’s a good honest mouthful.

ps.  The Internet is fucking weird

Brickworks Rose Cider

Overall

4/10

Kevin Sorbo where you at?

And that’s it in a nutshell.  I’d drink this begrudgingly on thanksgiving along with all of the other cranberry crap that’s forced on us who don’t like cranberries.

Packaging

This is the most boring-ass design I have ever come across in a can and lord knows I love pink.  I love pink.  You may be thinking to yourself “Ya I love pink too.  She so fit and perky and fun.”

Ya that ain’t the pink I love and crave but I guess watching her dance is having the same affect.

What the fuck is “Nature’s Symphony” btw?  Cause all I can think of is farts and I don’t think that’s what they were getting at with this can.  This is just a goddamn disappointment for design.  I like the pink but everything is just.. blah.  Corporate.

Ingredients

Apple Juice, Carbonated Water, Concentrated Raspberry Juice, Concentrated Blueberry Juice, Sugars (Cane Sugar, Honey), Yeast, Tannic Acid, Maltic Acid

I feel like they could put the kitchen sink in there and I wouldnt be surprised.

Appearance

“Hey doc? So I’ve been drinking a lot of cider lately and I think it might be killing my liver. Heres the deal… my pee is coming out red but it looks like cider.”

It’s a deeper red than I would have imagined with a good tight bubble. It actually looks very close to a carbonated cranberry juice.

Aroma

Which brings me to the smell. It’s fucking cranberry juice. Considering they use apple juice as a base for the majority of fruit juices I guess I can’t be surprised. It smells like I pulled a bottle of cranberry juice off of the grocery store shelf. It’s not a bad smell it’s just meh.

Flavour

You can taste the apple and you can taste the cranberry. They’re harmonizing and it’s not egregiously bad but it’s not overwhelmingly good either. It tastes watered down as well.  There’s a tart quality there you’d expect from the cranberry.  One positive which is in contrast to the cider last night.  Thank fuck they put sugar in this drink.