Muskoka Lakes – Cliff Jump Cranberry



I have a party at my cottage yo! I’m bringing the cider! We can drink it on my dock. Everyone is invited why don’t you bring all your pasty white friends and let’s dance it up!

Oh you white women know how to dance don’t you?

Jokes aside I’ve been pleasantly surprised by this cider. It’s probably one of the better ciders I’ll never have again.


I am really not getting the design decisions on this can. I mean I get that it’s white because let’s be honest. If you in Muskoka you white and in the off chance you ain’t white you sure as shit are white on the inside.

I don’t know but this shit is white.

I want to tear this shit apart. Nothing about this can says “Muskoka”. Jesus you could have put an Adirondack chair and it’d get that shit.

Land of the rich old white people.

You may be asking yourself after reading a bunch of my posts “What is up with this dude and White People?” Good question. I guess it’s less white and more rich but globally if you’re rich or you’re in power what do you think you’re going to look like?

… and if you don’t look like this asshole there’s a high likelihood you’re just as self-entitled as this asshole.

To be fair I’m white too. The difference falls in the realm of self-awareness and growing up in a lower/middle-class household. Social status doesn’t matter though. tl’dr – still white.

Yes. Yes we are.

Next what’s with fucking Michael Jordon on the fucking can? What about the big hemorrhaged cranberry? At least the cranberry and water makes fucking sense. The rest of this can can go fuck itself.

Keeping true to it’s heritage the can should also be smaller than most of the cans because it’s white.


Cider, cranberry juice

Well shit that is simple isn’t it? A little too fucking simple. Goddamn fucking cop-out is what it is. What’s the cider made of? The cranberry juice? I’m feeling the disappointment here.


Now that is a deep-ass fucking red. By that I mean if I’m getting out the little leather paddle and smacking your ass I’m getting it to match the hue of this drink. It’s gonna be the only colour your white ass is going to get with me.

It has a nice tight bubble that is continuing to hold to the glass and there was very little fizz. Have I ever mentioned I love the sound of the fizz? Some drinks do it much better than others but damn a good fizz is divine to hear.


You may think you don’t but you do.

I’m trying to figure out my words here. What I can tell you is I’m pretty certain I’m not smelling cranberries. I pull it to my nose and I don’t smell apples. If it is cranberry it’s like that fucking canned cranberry smell.

Smell the gif.


That shit ain’t half bad!

I’m enjoying this cider and it’s a nice nightcap for my evening. This cider has almost everything. There’s a hint of sweetness coupled with some tart cranberry and overall it’s just refreshing. I can’t say I’ll drink more of these but I’d be curious to rank all the cranberry ciders against each other and let them duke it out.

I just realized looking at the can the fucked up logo on the top is a canoe on a lake with the reflection under it. Seriously get your art-house bullshit out of here. I have visions of some pretentious white bitch who’s never worked a day in her life thanks to her C-level executive husband set up an art gallery out of her cottage to shill her shit art to people on. It’s like Avril Lavigne except without the child exploitation.

Now if you excuse me I have to go masturbate to some Robert Bateman paintings.