Muskoka Lakes – Cliff Jump Cranberry

Overall

7/10

I have a party at my cottage yo! I’m bringing the cider! We can drink it on my dock. Everyone is invited why don’t you bring all your pasty white friends and let’s dance it up!

Oh you white women know how to dance don’t you?

Jokes aside I’ve been pleasantly surprised by this cider. It’s probably one of the better ciders I’ll never have again.

Packaging

I am really not getting the design decisions on this can. I mean I get that it’s white because let’s be honest. If you in Muskoka you white and in the off chance you ain’t white you sure as shit are white on the inside.

I don’t know but this shit is white.

I want to tear this shit apart. Nothing about this can says “Muskoka”. Jesus you could have put an Adirondack chair and it’d get that shit.

Land of the rich old white people.

You may be asking yourself after reading a bunch of my posts “What is up with this dude and White People?” Good question. I guess it’s less white and more rich but globally if you’re rich or you’re in power what do you think you’re going to look like?

… and if you don’t look like this asshole there’s a high likelihood you’re just as self-entitled as this asshole.

To be fair I’m white too. The difference falls in the realm of self-awareness and growing up in a lower/middle-class household. Social status doesn’t matter though. tl’dr – still white.

Yes. Yes we are.

Next what’s with fucking Michael Jordon on the fucking can? What about the big hemorrhaged cranberry? At least the cranberry and water makes fucking sense. The rest of this can can go fuck itself.

Keeping true to it’s heritage the can should also be smaller than most of the cans because it’s white.

Ingredients

Cider, cranberry juice

Well shit that is simple isn’t it? A little too fucking simple. Goddamn fucking cop-out is what it is. What’s the cider made of? The cranberry juice? I’m feeling the disappointment here.

Appearance

Now that is a deep-ass fucking red. By that I mean if I’m getting out the little leather paddle and smacking your ass I’m getting it to match the hue of this drink. It’s gonna be the only colour your white ass is going to get with me.

It has a nice tight bubble that is continuing to hold to the glass and there was very little fizz. Have I ever mentioned I love the sound of the fizz? Some drinks do it much better than others but damn a good fizz is divine to hear.

Aroma

You may think you don’t but you do.

I’m trying to figure out my words here. What I can tell you is I’m pretty certain I’m not smelling cranberries. I pull it to my nose and I don’t smell apples. If it is cranberry it’s like that fucking canned cranberry smell.

Smell the gif.

Flavour

That shit ain’t half bad!

I’m enjoying this cider and it’s a nice nightcap for my evening. This cider has almost everything. There’s a hint of sweetness coupled with some tart cranberry and overall it’s just refreshing. I can’t say I’ll drink more of these but I’d be curious to rank all the cranberry ciders against each other and let them duke it out.

I just realized looking at the can the fucked up logo on the top is a canoe on a lake with the reflection under it. Seriously get your art-house bullshit out of here. I have visions of some pretentious white bitch who’s never worked a day in her life thanks to her C-level executive husband set up an art gallery out of her cottage to shill her shit art to people on. It’s like Avril Lavigne except without the child exploitation.

Now if you excuse me I have to go masturbate to some Robert Bateman paintings.

Somersby – Red Rhubarb Flavoured Cider

Overall

4/10

better than any cider you name the time and place.

I think I have other rhubarb ciders in the fridge I’m hoping I can be impressed where this didn’t. On it’s own this is sweet AF but if you have more than one of these it’s like a time machine back to 1996 and you’re drinking Mike’s Hard Lemonade and gonna yak at the end of the night.

This shit fell flatter than Kiera Knightley before being airbrushed.

Be real though. She better on the left. If she’s the chairwoman of the itty bitty titty commitee Imma doing her coffee runs.

Packaging

What can I say? I appreciate their consistency in their branding but it’s just pedestrian at this point. This is very much a cider that is geared towards selling to your grandparents and finding in the smallest stingiest hole in the ground no matter where you are in the world.

In searching for rhubarb gifs I’m coming up short so here’s a tooting animal.

I don’t get it. I’m not expecting you to either.

I appreciate that they use the proper spelling of “flavour” I’ve brought this up before. Imagine the irony that my fucking laptop isn’t recognizing that as the proper spelling. Goddamn American spelling of things.

Back to their branding. It’s bland as shit but as I said it’s consistent which in this day and age means something.

Yeah we spelling this shit out. See how it matters?

Ingredients

Water, apple wine (water, sugar, apple juice concentrate), sugar, apple juice concentrate, carbon dioxide, citric acid (acidifier), lemon juice concentrate, natural flavour, potassium sorbate (preservative), carrot extract, colour. Contains sulphites.

Jesus Christ that was a novel to type out there.

… and now I’m refreshed to keep this post going.

I want you to pause. Look at that list of ingredients. Tell me what is missing. I’ll wait.

I’m not gonna wait forever.

So look at the name of the cider. “Red rhubarb flavoured cider”. What’s missing from the ingredients list? I’m skeptical although technically this could be listed under “Natural Flavours”. You know arsenic is a “Natural Flavour” could they hide that in there too?

Appearance

It’s not red. It’s not orange. It’s not yellow. Oddly it matches the can to some extent? It had a good fizz and a good bubble which has since dissipated pretty hard. Now it straight up looks like juice. But there’s something you need to know about me a juice.

all of it motherfucker.

Aroma

That shit ain’t rhubarb. That shit is red rhubarb flavoured cider! Just from smelling this crap I’m feeling the disappointment.

Dude you’re off your fucking meds. Please go back on them.

I can’t explain the smell. It smells like apple juice. There’s something else there but it sure as shit isn’t rhubarb.

Flavour

Don’t eat dark chocolate and then drink cider. That was my first mistake.

Second mistake? Expecting goodness out of this. If there was any more sugar in this I’d be in a diabetic coma.

seriously this shit is goddamn sweet.

So you’re done your sugar rush how does this sit? Tastes like an apple juice from concentrate with a little something something in it.

PSA – Lemons and Limes

All the live long fucking time.

Is that Gordon Ramsay or is it me? Yeah yeah it’s Gordon Ramsay you fucking wanker!

So today I had an epiphany. It’s hot today. Not just hot but as someone who has grown up and lived in Southern Ontario their whole life this summer is like dipping your toes in the furnace that is Hell.

This is in fact me stepping outside.

So seriously shit it hot outside. It ain’t natural no matter what anyone says. Global warming is here. I still idle my car in the driveway in the winter because fuck you. I know it’s wrong. I can feel it’s wrong. But if life is a series of events leading you to nuggets of amazing then this is for you.

So I’m out BBQ in my backyard. I wanted a cider. I grabbed one of my daily drivers when I don’t want to get fucked which is Thornbury Village. I tend to gravitate towards lime because lime is just magical but for some reason I have angered the Gods and lime is nowhere to be found. I do, however, have a bag of lemons.

So many lemons!

So I cut one in half. Put in a nice cold glass of ice. Poured the cider over top.

Wait for it.

Magic…

Shit is so cash. I highly recommend it. Should I find out why I inexplicably have found myself without limes and rectify it, then I will try the same thing but I’m expecting the same magical results. For you dimwits out there, citris is magic and citris goes well with apples.

Citrix however can be both annoying and frustrating to support.

To close out. Let’s have a nice summer song. It’s like a choose your own adventure.

  1. You’re a child in which case why the fuck are you here? You may also be Josef Fritzl.

2. You’re more than likely a white woman.

3. You’re cool like me.

4. You white motherfucker.

5. You high AF and here for the laughs.

KW Craft Cider

Overall

8/10

Like an ice cold cider if you remove the hate.

This shit is good yo. I can’t say I’d be drinking it every day or in excess but it’s damn enjoyable. Probably better to have on a Sunday afternoon on a deck than it is 10:56 PM on a Saturday evening during a goddamn pandemic.

Packaging

I don’t like how WordPress done fucked with how layouts are done on blog posts. I don’t have an inkling to understand if I can fix it and shit. Fuck that. So anyways, about this cider. I feel like it’s the mid-90’s. Michael Jackson is still with us and he’s about to unleash Black & White on prime time TV.

Trust me you’re hearing the “Yeah Yeah Yeah” aren’t you?

This shit was revolutionary when it came out. What the fuck happened with society? Fuck there’s a whole different diatribe that can be done as someone on the tail end of Gen-X and as we keep getting older we continue to be in this fucked up middle child syndrome of the world where we’re either forgotten or shit on.

What I will not do is forget or shit on this design. I like this can. Heh. Cans. I’m watching a CBC documentary on escorts right now and this woman has nice cans but it’s British and as soon as she talks goddamn the British accent has been romanticised so much but when you hear it from regional areas it’s like hearing a goddamn hick from Alabama. “How ya doin’ guvna?”

For women maybe. Sure as shit not for me.

So this shit is tight. Simple. Good contrast. I love how it looks. You see it on the shelf and it stands out. Plus I’m secretly a huge fan of flat blat. I mean flat as in gloss level not Jada Pinkett-Smith you mean fucker.

So when you roll this bitch over the back is equally nice. I like a little something to read and it’s a good simple story however it makes me question what the fuck champagne yeast is. I mean, ya I get it. It’s the yeast used to make champagne smartass but as I asked my dad, technically does the yeast have to come from the Champagne region of France otherwise they have to call that shit “Sparkling Wine” yeast because the French are notoriously pretentious and pedantic wankers?

Ingredients

Freshly Pressed Ontario Apples, Champagne Yeast, Cane Sugar, Sulphites

This shit be Gluten Free & Vegan yo! Does anyone want to tell them the debate around yeast? Doesn’t matter though because humans are notoriously great about stuffing their heads in the sand when something conflicts with their natural bias.

lalalalalalalala

Appearance

The OG Sci-Fi pimp. This movie would have been so much better if he had a cane and a strong backhand.

This has a pale lustre with a small bubble that dissipated pretty fast. You’ll notice the change in glass and I’m adding ice. Yeah fuck you I’m turning into a prude.

Aroma

… and that ain’t a bad thing.

I figure I have more than a few reviews to do before the corona gets me and I lose all sense of taste and smell. Saying that, maybe I got it already because I ain’t smelling shit. That’s not necessarily a bad thing but it’s weird it’s like there’s nothing. I put it to my nose. Nothing. I take a sip. I can taste the smell when I sip it but there’s literally nothing hitting my nose.

Flavour

This shit is good. I will be speaking out my ass but I almost would say I can tell that it’s champagne yeast. There’s awesome hints of the same tones you’d get from a wine. It makes me wonder a couple of things.

1. If I drink this shit with strawberries in it like some socialite on her 3rd glass at a posh downtown bar at 2pm on a Wednesday afternoon will it still be good?
2. Will it give you a bitching headache/hangover like champagne if you get blotto on it?

I think this it’s refreshing and he has that dryness that you say is in other ciders but here you can legit feel the dryness.

You like dry

Ernest Cider – As Gay As Ever!

Overall

9/10

Who you expecting Elton John? This has really become one of my two daily drivers. If I want something harder I go to Ernest. If I want softer it’s Thornbury. Equally enjoyable in their own ways.

Nothing has changed in terms of my overall. This cider packs a punch. Quarantine is a shit show. I’ve been drinking more tea than I’d care to admit. I don’t care how good cider is. Tea > Cider always.

To be clear on this cider though. As a daily driver.

Packaging

Let’s get this out of the way. I’m WFH now. I ain’t got time for pretty pictures anymore. This is my CoronaStation. You’ll get to know it well in the backgrounds of my pictures.

I was pleasantly surprised to see they were updating their can design for Gay Pride Month. These cider makers have gone balls deep in representing their social leanings and I’m all for it. If anyone thinks it’s a negative to show solidarity with the LGBTQ community in 2020 (or 2010… or 2000… or 1990) they’re a fucking retard plain and simple. It’s like refusing to say systemic racism exists… (looking at you Legault)

Or that bullshit “All Lives Matter” when clearly it ain’t White people being fucking killed by police at an alarming kick.

There’s no risk to say you promote the LGBTQ community. If there is, the people you’re losing as customers are the inbred racist asshats you shouldn’t want as a customer.

Pride motherfuckers!

Humourously this gif makes it seem like there’s a parallel timeline in the 1980’s where Russia was fueled by gay atheletes.

Ingredients

Apples, Pure Honey, Organic Cane Sugar, Sulphites

Appearance

Shit hasn’t changed yo. Same drink I love.

Aroma

Surprisingly it’s got more of a pop than I remember but not in a boozy way. You can smell the fact that this is some hard ass cider. Heh. “Ass Cider”. I’m getting deja vu. I think I’ve laughed at that exact term before. Fuck I’m a child.

Speaking of being a child. They also put this on the can.

I know it’s not their intention and I know it’s ignorant AF but I read “Rainbow Railroad” and I imagine a bunch of guys laying ass up like rail road ties and you can guess what the spikes are. Imma see myself out.

Flavour

I’m not going back and reading my reviews… I think this is the 3rd time I’ve reviewed this cider now? It’s fucking dry.
It’s fucking tart.
It’s fucking delicious.

Duntroon Cyder House Raindance

Overall

6/10

I’m back bitches and I’m ready to make it rain!

I need to drink other rhubarb ciders to decide where this ranks along with them.  I don’t mind it, but on the other hand… It’s missing something I can’t put my finger on.

Packaging

What can I say?  it’s simple and elegant.  Unassuming.  Almost on the side of bland.  There’s nothing inherently wrong with their design and I do appreciate the consistency in design as well along their different drinks but it just lacks a sense of character.  That said, I am a fan of the celtic knot apple design which fits well with it coming from Duntroon.  But fuck me “cyder” continues to rankle my fucking ability to write this review.

I appreciate that it tells me to “shake gently to rouse before serving over ice” so they clearly know how to make it work best even if the wording comes across as pretentious AF.

I imagine a bunch of these fuckers were making this cyder, getting the can together and saying to themselves…

Completely unrelated I’m watching Eight Legged Freaks and I just watched Scarlett Johansson taser a kid in his dick.  It truly is a magical film.

 

Ingredients

Cider, Rhubarb

This is genuinely promising.  I will concede the whole outstanding bullshittery of labelling “cider” on a fucking cider drink.  No shit Sherlock.  I know it’s cider.  What is your cider made of?  That said, when I read Rhubarb, I assume it has fucking Rhubarb in it.

Appearance

I’m trying a new leaf.  I’m obeying the rules.  I’ve roused my can.  I have ice in my glass.  I poured this fucker out and it looks yummy.  There’s a cloudiness to it I wasn’t expecting and a nice bubble foam which then subsided.  I’m genuinely curious as I do love Rhubarb but there are just so many rules around Rhubarb.

Aroma

You pull it to your nose and it has far more body than you would imagine from a cyder with 4.3% alcohol.  There’s almost an unrefined aspect to it which I’m really appreciating.  Simplicity.

Flavour

It’s got a damn nice body to it.  This shit is good and thick like Gina Carano.  I mean you look at this.

And then this.  I want.  She can own my shit.

So back to this drink.  Because of the body you can drink it a bit slower and enjoy it.  I’m not really tasting rhubarb though.  It alludes me.  The serving over ice too… It’s watering it down which I am not appreciating either.

So to go full circle, I need to go back to Along Came Polly because this scene is quite possibly one of the most perfect examples of comic genius.

Duntroon Cyder House Standing Rock

Overall

6/10

That’s my face drinking this cider despite the pretentious bullshit they threw on the name.  I probably gave it an extra point they didn’t deserve because of the Scottish aspect.  I love the Scots.  I always have.  The best analogy I’ve heard is that Scottish people are the shit of the shit on the British Isles.  This to me makes them special.  When you’re at the bottom you got nowhere to go but up.  If you’re the bottom… Well then you’re gonna get fucked.

Packaging

“Cyder”. Fucking cyder. They doubled down on this shit. I can’t state enough how much this grinds my goddamn gears. You goddamn kids in your goddamn gym classes. I see you looking at the goddamn can too and you know who you are. There’s a damn reason you keep asking me to review these as I find them.

I don’t have the problem. You do. Seriously though can we get some white cans for Cider? Why so much goddamn black?! Oh I’m sorry… Cyder. I mean fuck that noise that is just some bullshit.

Is it funny that I read Duntroon and I can read it in a Scottish accent? I’m curious to find out if this is true or not and the goddamn gif above this is distracting the shit out of me. I mean c’mon girl can you just admit it?

So I like the red and it’s actually not a black can but a very dark blue. It’s extremely simple in it’s presentation but I’ll take it. I’ve seen better though.

I am annoyed on a few levels though. The aforementioned “Cyder” annoys the shit out of me. It’s a Scottish fucking name in Duntroon but the logo is a goddamn Celtic Knot. Get your shit straight you motherfuckers.

Ingredients

BBC – I mean 100% Local, Hand-Picked Ontario Apples.

Ain’t that some shit?

Appearance

There’s a cloudiness there which is weird.  That is new in all my time drinking cider which I can’t explain.  I also find it odd the carbonation is almost hidden in a way.  I can hear the thunder rolling in.  God is angry for my reviewing this cider.  Sorry, “Cyder”.  Seriously that is only of the most pretentious loads of shit ever.  Like a blonde girlfriend pretending she doesn’t want something when we damn well know she does.

Yeah that’s right.  I’m watching you.

Aroma

Now that is a nice apple smell.  I genuinely like it.  Maybe a bit too much water in there, which would make sense due to the 4.3% alcohol but I’m not gonna slag on them because of it.  You’re skirting both worlds.  Really, ya’ll can blame me as much as you want.  This is just fun.

You bring this cider to your nose and it’s got a good apple smell.  Enjoyable.

Flavour

Goddamn that is a tight bubble.  Not only that it’s a good apple taste.  It tastes stronger than it lets up.  Like when you get something stronger than you expect it to be.  Sigh.  This is gonna go down as the gayest goddamn post I’ve ever done but here it is.

Seriously shit ain’t right like you’re gonna pass out or something.  This cider ain’t half bad though.

Reinhart’s Red Apple Cider Strong

Overall

8/10

Buyer fucking beware on these.  They are good and they’re fucking 7%.  That shit is not a good mix if you want to be responsible.

Or you can just embrace it?  I think this is as strong as I’ll go with my cider.  But I sure as shit will drink it again.

Yeah I’ve been slacking.  Fuck you.  I don’t get paid for this shit.  This is how my methodology works.

Packaging

I’m not gonna lie. This can is tight. I’m a huge fan of the simplicity and it’s edgy af. The gold is always good and let’s be honest, it’s not associated with apples near as much as green and red but it’s just as appropriate. Makes me wonder what the fuck is with the symbolism behind golden apples? tl’dr – “Religion Yo!”

Now Stephen King. He’s written some fucked up stories. I’m watching the remake of Pet Sematary again and keep reminding myself he wrote all these when he was up on coke all the live-long day. But I digress.

So this bitchin’ can here. It’s not just the gold it’s the flat black. Fuck me do I have a thing for flat black. I mean this looks sexy as fuck but could you imagine the goddamn fingerprints everywhere?

It’s generously fermented whatever the fuck that means. Part of me likes that they call out that’s it’s naturally vegan and gluten free. Like get it through your heads you dense fuckers trying to hop onto trends.

      

Anyways, here’s to me again holding something large and black. I feel like I should have both hands on the goddamn can.

Ingredients

Contains 100% Apples with No Artificial Ingredients, Contains Sulphites

Seriously they need some standards on labelling on alcoholic beverages. This shit ain’t acceptable.

How the fuck hard is it to do this?

Appearance

That is a tight motherfucking bubble and it’s clung right to the side of the can.  This is like ginger ale on steroids.  I’m leaning towards the word “Schweppeffervescence” but if those fuckers were smart it’d be trademarked.  John Cleese you’re awesome.

There’s a good mid-hue colour to it.  Definitely “apple-y”.

Aroma

Ooooh boy.  Shit smells strong.  It’s not in a fully bad way, but I’m afraid I may regret the fact that this is 7%.  Thank God I am only having one can.  I can’t fully say I smell the booze.  It’s clearly apple.  But there’s something there.  So let’s be clear.  It comes in a big black package.  It’s strong.  It has a smell to it.  So far this shit is like Michael Jai White in a can.

You pull it to your nose and damn there be apple in there.

Flavour

Fuck me… This is good.  It doesn’t taste strong at all.  It actually goes down smooth.  So it looks like Michael Jai White but really it’s fucking Donald Glover 

Now to be clear that’s not knocking on the cider or Donald Glover.  This shit is still fucking good.

I will attribute to the strength you can still taste a note of “This shit is strong” but it’s not something to make you stop.  I’ve had about half a glass and too many of these you’re probably gonna find yourself boxing a wall or some shit.  Like the hipster equivalent of when you feed a newfie whiskey.

Drink enough of this shit and you’re gonna crip walk like you know Snow White is about to start.

Thornbury Village Wild Blueberry Elderflower Apple Cider

Overall

8/10

Oh yeah Adam.  This shit is that good isn’t it. This some top-notch /r/shestillsucking  material.  Get it?  Got it?  Good.  Imma gonna eat some pasta now so y’all can fuck right off.  Buy this cider.  This shit be good.  Masters of the Universe made this shit and I’m not talking shitty 80’s live-action He-Man.

I mean you went from this.

To this.

When all I want is this

Packaging

WordPress…. You annoy me WordPress. Fix your shit. I am trying to post this from my Android phone. I have a very methodical approach and when I get thrown for a loop it fucks my shit up and annoys me. First images don’t upload. Then it fucks with the formatting. Finally? It puts the post as Published instead of Draft. You fuckers. This is what you get with free software. But think my cheap ass is going to pay for a blog software?

So I’m downtown. My birthday is a couple days and I’m with friends and I’m going to do a review. We go to the LCBO as us Ontarians are known to do in between lamenting about Dofo and enjoying our Raptors being the best team in the NBA. Seriously this shit is now in the history books.

So maybe I should review a cider? What the fuck is with the floors here. This ain’t parquet! Where my Russian Jews at?!

I love the design on these guys ciders. I love especially the blue and white. I love the changes in the images to incorporate the blueberries and whatever the fuck and elderflower is. If it was my mum and elderflow is a fancy way to say grandma vagina. The can has a blurb of what it is and they have a master cider maker so I’m curious to see if this is going to be good, a train wreck or worst of all… some middling shit which I tolerate but can’t get behind. There ain’t nothing like getting behind a nice ass btw.

So I’m curious about the hints of passion fruit they say that’s in this. Fucked if I even know what passion fruit smells like. It’s made in Thornbury though. They know apples.

   

I vaguely remember the last time I reviewed a cider that came in a can of these colours… That concerns me.

Ingredients

Apple Cider, fresh pressed Apple Juice, Wild Blueberry Juice, sucrose, natural flavours, sulfites

Why is it sometimes sulfites and other times sulphites? Are they the same shit?

Appearance

Looks like carbonated cranberry juice and man the bubbles left in a hurry.  I actually can’t explain what this looks like now.  It looks like it’s gonna be tart but I’m genuinely curious to find out.  Apologies on what is amounting to a very gay glass.  I’m judging these glasses hard.  Gimme man glasses.  I feel like I should be tucking my penis between my legs while I drink like this:

I’m ready to drink out of my effeminate glass now boss!

Aroma

So now I think I know what passion fruit smells like?  It’s actually got a kick-ass dessert smell to it and I’m going to pretend it’s not the cake I smell.

I mean if you are what you eat I’d love to be cake but I’d probably end up a peach or a giant dong.  Wait… Scratch that.  I’d probably end up a peach.

So this cider smells really good.  I look forward to imbibing it.

Flavour

This shit ain’t half bad.  Like I’m actually enjoying it more as I sip.  I gotta find out more about these “Master Cider Maker” motherfuckers.  If it’s a guild I want in on that shit.  I want it to be the shriners like though with the fucking stupid hat and the little cars.

It marvels me that white men, in their owning all the shit in the first place, also felt like they had to make all these retarded little clubs to make them even more special.  I guess it’s appropriate that snowflakes are white.

But this cider… This shit is actually good.  It’s so good that even as a novelty I would drink two of these.  That’s actually saying a lot.

There’s like a sweet kick after the tart.  Man this shit has layers.  It’s goddamn Shrekception

West Avenue Pink Lemonade

Overall

7/10

I really like this but at the same time I feel it’s going to be really situtational.  There will be opportunities over the summer where I’m going to love having a glass of this but I need to make those moments count because this fucker is going to lose it’s fizz the longer I let it sit in my fridge so bottoms up you glorious growler.

If you want something that screams summer and you’re in Southwestern Ontario you need to buy and try it.  Jesus Christ is it ever tart though.  I hope you like tart.

Packaging

Direct from the cidererery I have what is referred to as a growler from West Avenue in Flamborough.  Why they are called growlers is beyond me it seems kind of aggressive for what amounts to a drink.  I need to look that up.  Anyways it’s hot as Satan’s asshole out here and this bottle looks like my balls right now except less refreshing.  I like West Avenue and this isn’t my first growler from them but this is the first review I’m doing from their ciders and the penultimate Heritage Dry will come when I manage to get it cold enough to be tolerable.  This bottle feels like if I were a milkman and I wanted to deliver cider or beer instead this is what I would do it in and I’d happily go door to door admiring the sex starved housewives as I drop off their cider for the day.  “Ma’am you know you don’t have a housecoat on right?  No I won’t fix your sink.  Yes I understand ‘Fix my plumbing’ is a euphamism for sex.”

Why is it called West Avenue anyways?  I like the apple tree morphing into buildings it’s a little homage to being southwestern Ontario where it’s exceedingly impossible to find yourself away from the concrete jungle.  Everything is pleasantly simple here and I hope they keep it this way.

As an aside, they’re clearly racist because here you have a brown bottle but what’s on top?  The white cap.  Keeping the man down as always.  I’m watching you big cider.

Ingredients

Who the fuck knows because I’m not there anymore and despite it being called pink lemonade I can assure you there is no pink and I don’t believe there were lemons in this either.  For that matter what is a pink lemon?  I imagine it’s grown by gay people whatever it is.  Which draws me to a tangent of things I really hate.  I really hate lemon stealing whores.

Appearance

I really like the hue on this and it’s definitely the most red out of any cider I’ve had.  Sure as shit isn’t pink I tell you what.  There was a minimal fizz as it came out.  I have to add that this came directly from the tap there is no bottle containing this bad boy.  It’s free as you would expect from sexually liberated pink lemonade.  I ain’t got no time for your 1950’s homogenized lemonade with it’s white picket fences and two kids.  We out here fam.

There’s a nice sustained bubble coming from the bottom of the glass.  Speaking of which I clearly prepared for this bringing my glass on a 1 hr drive out to The Hammer.  I should have brought some parquet with me as well.  I didn’t.  Tough shit.

Aroma

I’m actually not smelling much in the way of lemonade or pink lemonade and I may be jaded because I’m a dude that loves my pink lemonade.  Pink Lemonade > Lemonade.  Those are simply the facts and you have to deal with it.

What I will say is it’s got a damn nice smell and I’d stretch as far to say that it’s very appropriate to the time of year.  This is a early to mid-summer smell in an alcoholic drink.  I can’t say I’m going to want to get blasted on this but I’d definitely enjoy a glass or two of this on a nice summer day like today.  This may make no sense but in a way I swear to God I do smell hints of rhubarb and it’s only because I have rhubarb on the brain.  I am a fan of all fruits (hahahaha fruits) and vegetables which have length to them.  It has both a sweetness and a tartness there which rhubarb is famous for and that’s why we all love rhubarb.  Rhubarb is like that cousin of celery that everyone loves meanwhile celery is like this weird shit vegetable that can be good sometimes but more often than not needs to be with something.  I mean so does rhubarb so who knows what I’m saying.  Is celery salt made from celery?

How can mirrors be real if our eyes aren’t real?

Flavour

Oooh that’s tart.  Almost like a jolly rancher.  Imma do you a favour… Try not to google too much into Jolly Ranchers it can go really bad really quick if you’re not safe.  It does have that jolly rancher taste though.  So in a way you can argue this cider is made for children of the 90’s because aside from the 90’s who and when were people even sucking on jolly ranchers?  Speaking of sucking there’s much better things for that.  I digress.  The tartness in the taste is really accentuated by the tartness in the smell.  It’s a well thought out cider and the flavour really knocks it out.  The flavour, as great as it is, is definitely left in small doses.

Again.  Jesus Christ almighty this cider is tart.