Overall
6/10
If I’m going to attempt to poke the eye out of a bear I’m not going to use my finger that’s for damn sure. I’d own that shit and use my penis. H’ows that for asserting dominance? Seriously? A dinosaur dildo?
This is another…. AFUCKINGNOTHER… middling cider. Not bad. Not good. Not horrible. Not amazing. I’d drink these for a night and wouldn’t complain.
Packaging
I d’ont get this shit. I’m assuming there’s some reason why i’ts “D’ont” and not “Don’t”? I d’ont get it. Maybe I’m not Canadian enough? I mean, I get t’heres a lot of bears in Canada but it’s not what I’d imagine as a Canadian icon. Go balls in and make it a goose or something. You d’ont want to poke an animal you d’ont poke a fucking Canada Goose. Vindictive fucking birds.
I mean I d’ont mind the look of the can. I’ts unique and it stands out on the shelf at the LCBO. That said, i’ts just kinda stupid. I feel like this is what w’ed get if Trump was Canadian and invented a cider. Grammar problems. Russian icon. Just fucking nonsense.
Ingredients
“100% Ontario Apple Cider”
I really hate shit like this. Iv’e done my lawyer rant. This shit is frustrating. I’ts a goddamn grey area when i’ts ingredients in a consumable. I d’ont believe for 1 minute the only goddamn thing in here is apples. I mean they state in another place “Contains Sulphites” which is fair but water? Is it apples? Is it apple juice? I know i’ts fucking cider. T’hats what you made. How did you fucking make it you jacked up fuckers?
Appearance
A really tight fizz that dissipated as fast as it came like a 46 year old accountant getting a blowjob from a hooker in his car in a shitty area of town. You seriously think Richard Gere has ever had to pay for sex? Any why the fuck is a horse getting into the car with him?
Nice mid-hue yellow. L’ets see w’hats up. Hint. I’ts not my penis.
Aroma
Smells like alcoholic apple juice. No weird smell which is good. Not overly strong. Il’l take it. You can also smell a sweetness. L’ets explore it with our mouths!
Flavour
Not bad! I’ts not super dry. It has a sweetness to it that is coming from the apples and I’m digging it. That said, I dig drinking apple juice and i’ts kinda what this is. Carbonated apple juice. Iv’e had the Rougemont rant I’m going to expand this one to Allen’s. You know i’ts the fucking superior apple juice but you d’ont want to buy it because you gotta pierce a fucking can and you don’t got time for that. T’heres like a niggling aftertaste I c’ant put my finger on too.
I have no idea who did the marketing for No Frills on their most recent ad campaign but this shit is fucking off the hook good.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUy4uOK78kA
I d’ont normally shop at No Frills but this shit is tight. I want to see them play more with reality though and show a commercial like this full of old people living on a shoestring buying staples with their meagre pension. Lemme see grandma dab on them haters.
