West Avenue Pink Lemonade

Overall

7/10

I really like this but at the same time I feel it’s going to be really situtational.  There will be opportunities over the summer where I’m going to love having a glass of this but I need to make those moments count because this fucker is going to lose it’s fizz the longer I let it sit in my fridge so bottoms up you glorious growler.

If you want something that screams summer and you’re in Southwestern Ontario you need to buy and try it.  Jesus Christ is it ever tart though.  I hope you like tart.

Packaging

Direct from the cidererery I have what is referred to as a growler from West Avenue in Flamborough.  Why they are called growlers is beyond me it seems kind of aggressive for what amounts to a drink.  I need to look that up.  Anyways it’s hot as Satan’s asshole out here and this bottle looks like my balls right now except less refreshing.  I like West Avenue and this isn’t my first growler from them but this is the first review I’m doing from their ciders and the penultimate Heritage Dry will come when I manage to get it cold enough to be tolerable.  This bottle feels like if I were a milkman and I wanted to deliver cider or beer instead this is what I would do it in and I’d happily go door to door admiring the sex starved housewives as I drop off their cider for the day.  “Ma’am you know you don’t have a housecoat on right?  No I won’t fix your sink.  Yes I understand ‘Fix my plumbing’ is a euphamism for sex.”

Why is it called West Avenue anyways?  I like the apple tree morphing into buildings it’s a little homage to being southwestern Ontario where it’s exceedingly impossible to find yourself away from the concrete jungle.  Everything is pleasantly simple here and I hope they keep it this way.

As an aside, they’re clearly racist because here you have a brown bottle but what’s on top?  The white cap.  Keeping the man down as always.  I’m watching you big cider.

Ingredients

Who the fuck knows because I’m not there anymore and despite it being called pink lemonade I can assure you there is no pink and I don’t believe there were lemons in this either.  For that matter what is a pink lemon?  I imagine it’s grown by gay people whatever it is.  Which draws me to a tangent of things I really hate.  I really hate lemon stealing whores.

Appearance

I really like the hue on this and it’s definitely the most red out of any cider I’ve had.  Sure as shit isn’t pink I tell you what.  There was a minimal fizz as it came out.  I have to add that this came directly from the tap there is no bottle containing this bad boy.  It’s free as you would expect from sexually liberated pink lemonade.  I ain’t got no time for your 1950’s homogenized lemonade with it’s white picket fences and two kids.  We out here fam.

There’s a nice sustained bubble coming from the bottom of the glass.  Speaking of which I clearly prepared for this bringing my glass on a 1 hr drive out to The Hammer.  I should have brought some parquet with me as well.  I didn’t.  Tough shit.

Aroma

I’m actually not smelling much in the way of lemonade or pink lemonade and I may be jaded because I’m a dude that loves my pink lemonade.  Pink Lemonade > Lemonade.  Those are simply the facts and you have to deal with it.

What I will say is it’s got a damn nice smell and I’d stretch as far to say that it’s very appropriate to the time of year.  This is a early to mid-summer smell in an alcoholic drink.  I can’t say I’m going to want to get blasted on this but I’d definitely enjoy a glass or two of this on a nice summer day like today.  This may make no sense but in a way I swear to God I do smell hints of rhubarb and it’s only because I have rhubarb on the brain.  I am a fan of all fruits (hahahaha fruits) and vegetables which have length to them.  It has both a sweetness and a tartness there which rhubarb is famous for and that’s why we all love rhubarb.  Rhubarb is like that cousin of celery that everyone loves meanwhile celery is like this weird shit vegetable that can be good sometimes but more often than not needs to be with something.  I mean so does rhubarb so who knows what I’m saying.  Is celery salt made from celery?

How can mirrors be real if our eyes aren’t real?

Flavour

Oooh that’s tart.  Almost like a jolly rancher.  Imma do you a favour… Try not to google too much into Jolly Ranchers it can go really bad really quick if you’re not safe.  It does have that jolly rancher taste though.  So in a way you can argue this cider is made for children of the 90’s because aside from the 90’s who and when were people even sucking on jolly ranchers?  Speaking of sucking there’s much better things for that.  I digress.  The tartness in the taste is really accentuated by the tartness in the smell.  It’s a well thought out cider and the flavour really knocks it out.  The flavour, as great as it is, is definitely left in small doses.

Again.  Jesus Christ almighty this cider is tart.

Strongbow Original Dry

Overall

6/10

I don’t get the popularity of this shit.  It’s like Magner’s.  It’s not bad.  It’s just… there’s so much more out there that’s better.  Do yourself a favour and avoid this middling drink.  I’m sorry Dutch.

Packaging

Man it’s been so long since I held something big and black in my hand.  Shit is cold too I think it’s been in my fridge too long.

I mean there’s cans and then there’s this beautiful Big Black Can.

Oh shit that’s not the can.  I got confused cause of the black and grey.

So this can really doesn’t say much.  Strongbow has a fairly consistent design but also very bleh.  I do like the use of black and gold.  It doesn’t really scream apple but it’s a good mix.  It gets to my life view that black and gold go together well.  White is meant for silver.  It’s just how it is.  I’m watching Key and Peele and just saw a grown man give another man a titty twister.  Man I love me titties.

   

God I have nice feet.  I mean I’d suck my toes.

Ingredients

Cider

Contains Sulphites

Appearance

A strong yellow hue and that bubbling that comes from a pee when you know shit ain’t right with your kidneys… or is it your liver? Regardless shit ain’t right.  It’s got a good sustained bubble.  Fuck I hate jogging pants and any other goddamn type of pant where you put your fucking work phone in the pocket but because it’s a shit ass Samsung S8 that’s slipperier than trying to get a commitment out of a non-commital man it keeps falling out of your goddamn pocket onto the parquet floor.  And this is why you get broken fucking phones.  If I was Donald Trump I would find some way to pin this problem on the Mexicans.  Perhaps I can tell them to buy me a new phone?  I’m going to get a new phone, and the Mexicans are going to pay for it!  What a goddamn asshat.

Americans you should be fucking embarrassed.  I feel I’ve gone through this before.  If politicians are supposed to represent the average person that elects them this speaks so poorly of your nation.

Aroma

This has a damn good apple smell as in I can almost smell the variety of apples it’s coming from. If I had half a wit about me I’d be able to call that apple smell. I can’t. Fuck you. I wanna say MacIntosh which, if you’re from Ontario you will know are everywhere and god they are a shit apple. Skin doesnt have a nice snap to it when you break with your teeth and there’s no crunch. It’s like if there was a tree called disappointment and they grew apples on it. The smell though… it’s a nice smelling apple. I have high hopes for what the Dutch have brought me.

Flavour

There’s almost a candy aspect to this cider as you drink it. It’s not bad by any means but it lacks a tartness I am looking for.  It sure as shit isn’t dry which leads me to one of my favourite childhood jokes.

So I grew up in a small rural area in Southwestern Ontario.  The home of the Turtle Races because apparently animal cruelty became a thing.  So where I grew up it was a lot of Dutch descendants.  I mean to the point of my yearbook was filled with too many goddamn “Van whateverdefucks”  On any given day I felt like I was living in “The Children of the Corn” just waiting for fucking Malachi to do some stupid shit.

Imagine this but with more blondes and more stupid.

Hmm… Nah shit ain’t right.

So anyways where was I?  So favourite joke.

Q.  What’s worse than a Dutch person building a bridge in the middle of the desert?
A. A Newfie fishing off of it.

There were also many times of saying “Wooden Shoes.  Wooden Head.  Wouldn’t Listen.”

There is an apple taste there though as I pull it back to the flavour.  It’s not bad.  It’s not great but it’s not bad.

Eden Grove Perfect Pear Cider

Overall

1/10

The hall of shame is growing.  I actually really love pears but after this review… FML.

Don’t buy this shit.  Like ever.  There’s no reason for it.  I got nothing.  Read the review.  If you still feel like you want to try this don’t say I didn’t warn you and also you’re an asshat.

Packaging

Seriously wtf is this bland shit? I’m ok with minimalistic but this is just a bit too much. Too much white space. If this can were any whiter I’d say it was related to me. If it was any whiter I’d say it should be smaller and narrower. Reminds me of a great joke.

Q: What’s white and 8 inches?

A: Nothing

I know there’s talk of John C. McGinley playing J. Jonah Jameson at some point in Spider-Man. I’m not seeing it. It will always be J.K. Simmons.

Shit do I still get distracted bad. ADHD meds work my ass.

This shit is such a goddamn joke.

“100% Handpicked Ontario Pears”. For that matter though, is a good pear cider like how you make apple cider? You need the pear equivalent of a crab apple? A crab pear?

“Vegan Friendly”. What the fuck is that even supposed to mean? It’s a goddamn pear cider. Does normal pear cider have meat or dairy hid in it somewhere?

Fucking Millenials be like:

   

Ingredients

Pear Juice, Contains Sulphies

NOT FROM CONCENTRATE

Fuckers prove to me these are hand-picked pears. I fucking dare you. Fucking contrived bullshit.

What do you call two pears anyways? A pair of pears? I know a girl that likes a good pair. It’s edible too.

Appearance

Jesus this shit is clear.  I’m talking white girl doing the macerena which at church in their small ass town and the only time they’ve seen black people was when they saw The Cosby Show growing up.

Seriously… Fucking Bill Cosby you ruined an entire generation and their childhood.  You were supposed to be a good one.  You were goddamn Doctor Huxtable.  Words can’t express the disappointment.

So yeah, this shit is white to the point that it’s clear just like Wednesday Addams titties.  A good small tight bubble.

Aroma

Oh god I am not digging this.  That ain’t pear… That shit ain’t pear.  Fuck I have to drink this now don’t I?  It smells like goddamn chemicals.

This is not what I want.  I smell no pear.  I smell the last thing from a natural thing.  What the fuck Eden Grove?!

Flavour

A step up from the smell?  There is a very subtle hint of pear when you mix it in with the cleaning fluids they made this with.  Makes sense considering this was made in a goddamn cauldron.

For the longest time I had the hots for Bette Midler.  She has some goddamn curves and I’ve always had an unhealthy obsession with older women.  What I do not have an unhealthy obsession for is this goddamn drek I’m drinking right now.  I seriously want to plug my nose on each swig.  It tastes of chemicals and booze.  There is no pear.  There is no God.  He had forsaken us when this cider was made.

 

Golden State Cider Mighty Dry

Overall

6/10

Are we at war with Eurasia or Eastasia now?  I can never get that straight.  I don’t get why you fuckers are dancing.  This cider is good.  Distance might make me enjoy it more knowing I’m not going to have another one of these soon.

1 can had 200 calories.  Jesus Fucking Christ.  This is how middle-aged men get beer guts.  Best goddamn image ever.

I’m gonna let my coke-addled friend Macho Man Randy Savage close off this review.

Packaging

We are all witness to Paul Bunyan’s cider can. For the lift of me I’d love to understand what the obsession is with Americans and big things. It’s the country equivalent of “little dick syndrome”.

This can was gifted to me so due to it being free I’m sure it will taste much better. That said, American has fucked up lax laws on so many things the ceiling is kind if the floor.

So yeah holding this can is the first time I feel like I’m holding a proper can. It’s like when you’re used to holding your little kid dick when you pee as a 9 year old and then one day your weird friend at the bike shop Mr. Horton asks you to hold his penis when he pees and you’re surprised by how big it is and “oh my god why are you peeing white pee Mr. Horton and why are you moaning?”.

Dude. You left me with a mincing pedophile. Fuck you Arnold!

   

Ingredients

Crushed childhood memories. Also Apple Juice and Maltic Acid.  CONTAINS SULPHITES YO!

Gives new meaning to “Diff’rent Strokes” doesn’t it? Just make sure you always remember the golden rules.

Appearance

Just how I like my cider.  America.  It had a great pour.  Little head.  Good light yellow hue and a really tight small bubble.  It’s sparkling in my glass.  My floor magically changed.  Yeah that’s right motherfuckers I have a house with multiple types of parquet.  Am I a Russian Jew or trapped in the 80’s?

Aroma

You pull the cider to your nose and the smell is very very faint to the point it’s almost a smell of nothing.  That’s not a bad thing.  You may say to yourself.

Not in this case.  In this case they smell like empty promises.

Flavor

This shit ain’t taste half bad.  It’s a bit muted in taste and you can definitely taste that it’s apple juice but after saying that let’s drive full tilt into the fact that for a country that waters the shit out of their beer this is 6.3%.  That’s just fucking nonsense for an American.  I could see myself having a few of these so there has definitely been worse cider.  I don’t know when I’m going to find myself having another one of these cans.  The east coaster in mean wants to believe that cider from the midwest or east coast would be better.  Maybe even from Boston am I right Marky Mark?  Sit back and enjoy the ride you motherfucker.

Tempt 9 Strawberry & Lime Flavoured Cider

Overall

8/10

This is not a drink to get drunk on nor is this a cider but that doesn’t mean it’s bad.  This is magical.  I’m actually thinking of all the things I would potentially do with this drink.  I’m thinking about buying a case of it and making a cider sangria with it.  I think that would be really, really good.  This drink is really really good.

Packaging

Never thought I’d say this but this is just a pretty can.  Nothing about this can screams cider aside from seeing it printed on the front.  That said I’m not concerned.  It’s unassuming and it’s not in a tall boy so it stands out in the store.  This is all aside from the obvious that the can looks more like it belongs on display than in a fridge.  For that alone I’m keeping this in line with the theme of the Pride Month weekend.  Beautifully gay.

But maybe, just maybe, you are gay.  That’s just fine however.

      

That’s better.

I think I’m most disappointed that despite the asianness of this can and my review it’s made in fucking Denmark and imported from Trinidad.  WTF.

Ingredients

Water, Apple Wine, Sugar, Apple Juice Concentrate, Carbon Dioxide, Acidity Regulator (Citric Acid), Natural Flavour

I can’t hate on this.  It clearly states on the can “Flavoured Cider”.  This isn’t for the purist.  Either pull that dick out of your ass or stop reading the review now.

Appearance

A fairly sustained head but after it left it has a nice subtle bubble.  It’s very clear I was hoping for more of a red tinge but there’s none of that.

Aroma

I was not expecting the strawberry smell when I popped the can and I’m pleasantly surprised.  This bodes well because who doesn’t like strawberries?  Strawberries and Lime?  It’s such a pleasant sweet smell.  This doesn’t smell of cider at all.  This smells of summer.  Pure and unadulterated summer.

https://streamable.com/jikas

Boom goes the dynamite indeed.

Flavour

Oh God I like this.  It’s got such a nice flavour.  It’s clearly not cider but I don’t know what the Hell I would call this.  I mean I can taste the apple and it’s definitely due to the apple concentrate.  So you get strong notes of apple and strawberry and this really makes me want to be on a dock up north with someone I love and the sun is beating down on us as we stare out over the lake.

My Pride Month reviews are done.  Let’s do this again next year.

 

Ernest Cider – Now Gay!

Overall

7/10

Fucked if I can remember what I reviewed this the last time and I’m too damn lazy to look.  I think it’s grown on me like my love of a big – oh fuck I shouldn’t start that again.

Revel in your month gay people.  I know it’s almost over.  Spend that load.

Packaging

The whole reason I’m doing this review again.  This is just fucking genius.  These people have really top tier marketing and it all ties together on the consistency of their overall brand.  This can stands out.  I’ve been drinking cider consistently for a little over a year now and this is my second year buying these over Pride Month.  This is just a beautiful can to look at and it’s surprising that you go into the LCBO or Beer Store and companies en masse do nothing to even acknowledge Pride Month.  Kind of sad if you think about it.

They’re putting their money where their mouth is too.  10 cents from every can they’re donating to Rainbow Road which is damn cool.  People tend to forget that many people, gays included, up until very recently were getting persecuted the fuck out of.  Hell, in places not called the 1st world it’s still happening.  Is it bad I’m now thinking how the southern States can no longer be referred to as the 1st world?

Rainbow and all this can really makes me think of my penis.  Taste the rainbow baby.

I’ve been told since I’m not really a rainbow like this can.  I’m also not big like this can either.  I’m a horrible horny depraved man.

Ingredients

The ingredients haven’t changed.  Maybe they snuck in some of that fucking water in the states that makes the frogs gay?

mfw.  Seriously though, nothing is making the fucking frogs gay.  Jesus Christ people.

Appearance

It looks the same as the last time I reviewed it so fuck off already.  I mean who cares about appearance anyway?  Why can’t I just be me?  If I want to wear fucking flower earrings it doesn’t make me gay.  Nor do pink pants… Or a pink shirt… Fuck maybe I am gay?  If I am that means I gotta ramp up my sass!  So you know that girl that sits across from you at work?

Aroma

Smells the same too.  Are you really expecting something different?  It’s actually got a pretty strong apple smell.  One of the strongest apple smells for a cider I have drank.  It’s a good apple smell.  You can’t mistake this is a cider.  They ain’t hiding it.  Just like showing up with your “friend” at the family Christmas Party like this.

We all know you’re gay.  Stop trying to hide it already.

Flavour

I think my palate may have changed over the months (year?) since I’ve been drinking cider.  This is definitely a strong cider.  It can be deadly as fuck.  Keeping with the theme you drink too many of these and you’re yacking a rainbow.

That said, it’s still damn fucking good.  We’re talking that porn when you watch it and you don’t want to see a tiny dick.  Who wants to see a tiny dick when they’re watching porn?  No.  You want to see a good proper cock.  That’s where we are.  This cider is like when you’re watching porn and you get to see a good proper cock.  No offense to my small penis friends out there.  You know who you are.

Seriously dude full on raped women.  Fuck you Bill Cosby.

Molson Canadian Cider

Overall

2/10

People can’t be encouraged to drink this shit it is objectively bad in how blah it is.

If this cider were half as good as the actress who plays Elaine is hot I might consider having another one of these before letting my neighbours dog piss in my mouth.  Fuck now I’m transfixed on her mouth above.  A comment for another day.  I have a hair thing.  There’s a lot of things that I instantly get attracted to with women.  For some fucking strange reason hair is on that list.

So don’t buy this crap.  If you want to drink shit cider fine but there’s better shit cider than this and not only that you’re at least lining the pockets of some asshat who doesn’t know how to make cider not a corporate multi-national feeding off our stupidity and changes in habits.

Packaging

Marketing on point for Molson which I guess should be expected cause they make so much goddamn money even though the “Canadian” part is a bit disingenuous anymore. Molson American just doesn’t have that ring though. What about Coors Canadian? What about “Fuck this I’m about to embark on some corporate bullshit cider which isn’t going to be bad but it’s probably not going to be good either leaving me in this grey area of disappointment like that first time I had sex with that ugly chick and regretted it.”

So before I embark on that journey of oddly specific nonsense you must wonder where the truth lies let’s enjoy this can. I like the colour scheme and it stands out. It’s a good vibrant red. Molson has good branding. Clearly representing everything. It’s CIDER. It’s 5%. It’s best served over ice!

Wait. Zach I need you to fill in for me on this.

Let’s dig in motherfuckers!

   

Ingredients

“MADE WITH CANADIAN APPLES”
“FAIT AVEC DES POMMES CANADIENNES”

Sigh… I’ll give them the french. They’re so fucking large with a history here they go hardcore on the bilingual everwhere. That said. Fuck this noise. Technically saying “MADE WITH CARBON ATOMS” is also valid. I’d seriously pay someone to make some fucking nonsense drink directed at hipsters and put that on the label.

Appearance

Shit has more head than that magical time when you first start a relationship and it’s almost like you can’t keep your dick out of her mouth.  Shit that reminds me of the next review I need to do should any people of the homosexual persuasion happen to be reading this blog.  Anyways, shit has that much head.  If you know what I’m talking about well…

After the head goes away and reality of a steady relationship comes crashing back down on you there’s actually little to know bubble.

Aroma

Smells like corporate… This is gonna sound oddly specific but shit smells like it’s made in the same goddamn place as their beer.  It’s like when you go back on your deck and touch your tomato plants and then you can smell tomato plant on your hand for a bit because it lingers.  This shit smells like they switched over the lines for a day to produce cider but it retains a lingering smell of their beer.  I mean… If you like the smell of Molson then this will be home for you but for a cider drinker…

Flavour

So Guy… You gonna take me to flavortown with this cider now?

Ya you’re a bit skeptical I get it.  I really do.  So let me start.  Remember what I said like 10 goddamn seconds ago?  This shit was made on the same goddamn lines as their beer and you can fucking taste it too.  It’s by no means like a hopped beer (fuck that noise) but there’s like a lingering beer taste I can’t shake and it’s giving me a sense of what the fuck.  This cider isn’t helping anyone at this point.  It’s about as much as you would expect.  If you like shit beer you’re going to like shit cider so I guess this is for you?

Hey Bambi.  Your mom isn’t coming back just like the happiness I had before drinking this corporate soulless cider.

Lonetree Authentic Dry Cider

Overall

4/10

This this is disappointing me.  This is like when you want glorious underboob and you get sideboob.  I mean underboob is where it’s at.

This cider is the sideboob of cider.  I’m gonna take a break while I finish drinking this disappointment.

Jesus be like this.

I’m all like

Packaging

Imma be a real one here. I can’t explain it. You can comment all you want (oh wait I disabled that shit because fuck y’all!) something about this can just screams gay. I can’t put my finger on it. It might be the finger in my butt right now that’s making me think this but it’s there. Like going to a party with Nathan Lane only to find out that your soulmate is flaming like a Buffalo tire fire.

It’s like they’re going for a turn of the century look with the can. Like this is the cider that Mennonites approve of. Like you’re gonna crack this shit and be like:

“Yo Jebidiah this shit is good you know what’s up.”

“Ezikiel don’t make me mess your shit up I’m getting a buzz on here!”

Then you start dancing with your little sister Mary.

So ya. This shit is gay. I’m afraid I’m gonna drink it and want dick mainly because I haven’t bought Ironwood in a long time! I know what an old growth orchard is but really does that make an apple better? I’m thinking no. Design wise. I’m not digging the pastels.

 

Ingredients

Cider, Water, Natural Flavour, Contains Sulphites

I’ve done a few of these now… and a few recently have not said they contain sulphites… so is this a grey area where they don’t have to announce it or are there legit cider without sulphites? For that matter what the fuck is Natural Flavour? Is it like they squeeze apples for the flavinoids or some crazy shit? I know what cider is. I know what water is. This shit has me scared.

Appearance

I’m saying it now. I’m scrapping this picture because I see now value in it. It’s more a pain in the ass than anything. Fuck me though I do love me some basketball and people don’t like Stephen A. Smith but goddamn he is a national treasure.

And now I’m hungry…

I like the bubbles though. It was a good bubble in this. Mid-Yellow hue too.

Aroma

Can’t lie. I smelled it as I was cracking the can and it surprised me. This is potentially good news. I pull it to my nose and as it drips on my chest I can smell the apple. I’m actually gonna go on a limb and say I genuinely smell MacIntosh. There’s a clear apple smell of a type of apple. This surprises me and I like it. I love seeing my boy Chris Bosh on TV for Raptors game 6. He’s always going to be my favourite Raptor because he’s part dinosaur.

Flavour

Before I get into the flavour I’m not lying you can feel the fizz when you take a swig.  The smell of this cider really gets in your nose right as you’re taking a swig I like it.  The swig… You can taste the water…

Seriously this shit ain’t right.  I smell apple.  I drink. Yeah I get some apple but it’s watered down apple.  That annoys me.

Lost Craft Premium Craft Cider

Overall

4/10

I’m not saying it’s bad but it’s just lacking. It screams simple but not in the way like say the Thornbury Cider but in the “I don’t know how to make traditional cider” kind of way. There’s shit out there far worse than this one but not necessarily as disappointing. This is like watching Gangs of New York except instead of violence it’s this.

It’s not bad but it’s not what I wanted and it’s mostly just gay. Miss me with that gay shit.

Packaging

I’m actually surprised that gold isn’t used more when selling apple cider as it does kinda fit. I really can’t think of a better combination than gold and app-

Yeah you know what? That’s not changing my opinion. Still fucking awesome.

There’s something about this can. I love the minimal aspect of it. The branding is really on point. I really don’t know their brand but this can stands out. I’d give this can a solid B in terms of marketing but without knowing what else falls in their brand I don’t know how (in)consistent that might be. A lot of the wording does fall flat though. “…using all natural apples…”

God I’d bang the shit out of Suzanne Sommers.

Again, I don’t like blondes.

Ingredients

Cider, Contains Sulphites

I’m pacing myself cause I have another review on tap for later so I’m gonna leave it at this and not nitpick. It’s fucking nonsense but what would be more nonsense is if it was spelled “cidre”. I’d smack someone if they did that.

Appearance

This is some pale shit. Only way it would look paler would be if it was being held by a blonde surrounded by- ya scratch that. Anyways its pale and it lacks bubbles. It’s very much got a look of apple juice but light apple juice.

Aroma

Pulling to my nose it’s subtle apple but there. Seems to be a defining quality of apple cider when done half right. I’ll take that over smell of alcohol or a weird chemical smell. That shit is too rampant too so you know what? Little fucking victories.

Flavour

Shit is so sweet. What’s with the rash of sweet cider recently? These fuckers seem to be lost in the concept of the types of apples that you need for a good cider and sometimes you need crab apples. This just seems like they’re trying too hard with the apples you’d buy from an orchard and eat and enjoy. Its not horrible but its lacking complexity and depth. It’s like conversing with a retard.

Oh FYI this blog isnt PG. It’s not PC for that matter either.

TIME TO MASTURBATE.

Pommies Original Cider

Overall

5/10

I had a long spiel here but this review is annoying the shit out of me. Twice now I’ve been typing and I’ve lost my revision so I have to type this shit again and it’s fucking annoying and I’m not in the goddamn fucking mood to deal with your shit WordPress. I feel like I’m reaching for an apple and there’s this goddamn tree.

Seriously what kind of special dick is this tree?

You may enjoy this cider if you like sweeter cider. I’ll finish it. Then I’m going to enjoy a tea because I think that’s what I want more.

Packaging

I like their branding. It hits me in the same vein as Ernest. There’s a consistency in their packaging that, if I’m out buying cider I can tell right away who is making it. This is never a bad thing. The cider itself may be shit. I don’t know that yet. Fuck I can’t even tell you if I’ve had a Pommies before. Maybe?

You are now aware that he licks his lip at the end of this gif. You’ve never been aware of it before now. Let that sit with you for the rest of your life.

Reading the side of the can I wish they would tell you what goddamn apples they use when they say “…Made from the fresh pressed juice of five varieties of Ontario apples…” that means less than shit to me! Fucking tell me! It’s like going to reddit and people posting pictures of their food and not sharing the goddamn recipe. Fuck Y’all.

Ingredients

Made from the fresh pressed juice of five varieties of Ontario apples. I’m guessing? Contains Sulphites.

Seriously nothing burns my ass more (and fuck you know that’s a lie because everything fucking grinds my gears) than inconsistencies in labelling. For fuck sakes I don’t care what I pick up. If it’s consumable with my goddamn mouth how things are displayed should fucking be the same.

Appearance

This is the closest shit I have seen to Schwepp’s Ginger Ale as I’m going to see. Will this be my “If I’m sick with a sore throat let it go flat and drink” drink? Probably not… But that brings me to one reason I actually enjoy cider so much. Warm beer is like sucking the Devil’s dick after he’s been at the gym 3 days in a row working a double and hasn’t had time to shower.

Aroma

Now that is a nice apple smell. It’s definitely there and it smells really nice. You pull it close to your nose and it gets stronger. I can’t explain it. It may be the combination of mystery apples but it’s really eliciting good memories somehow of growing up in small town rural Ontario.

So I have an idea. Scratch and sniff websites. That really needs to be a thing. I have no fucking clue how it can be a thing but it needs to be. I’m putting it on my list after weather machine. Years of idling my car in my driveway is finally paying off. Fuck you winter!

Flavour

Sweet. Light yet also with a bit of a body. Let me see if I can find a good analogy using a celebrity woman.

Hayden Panettiere before she ruined it by getting fake tits. She’s like 5′ nothing and she thick in the ass.

This cider is small but damn it is thick in the ass and I like that. It’s got a sweetness which I’m not the hugest fan of but there’s a bit of a tartness there which isn’t bad. The problem with the sweetness is I can’t imagine drinking a lot of these you would get severe gut rot. This is so not appropriate but going by the flavour profile I could see this as a good breakfast cider.

Sigh now I’m thinking about when I, as a black woman, are chilling with my black woman friends on a Sunday and we feel like having a Mimosa.

Cheers bitches. And girl, you gotta dump Mike. He’s no good I’m telling you.