Eden Grove Perfect Pear Cider



The hall of shame is growing.  I actually really love pears but after this review… FML.

Don’t buy this shit.  Like ever.  There’s no reason for it.  I got nothing.  Read the review.  If you still feel like you want to try this don’t say I didn’t warn you and also you’re an asshat.


Seriously wtf is this bland shit? I’m ok with minimalistic but this is just a bit too much. Too much white space. If this can were any whiter I’d say it was related to me. If it was any whiter I’d say it should be smaller and narrower. Reminds me of a great joke.

Q: What’s white and 8 inches?

A: Nothing

I know there’s talk of John C. McGinley playing J. Jonah Jameson at some point in Spider-Man. I’m not seeing it. It will always be J.K. Simmons.

Shit do I still get distracted bad. ADHD meds work my ass.

This shit is such a goddamn joke.

“100% Handpicked Ontario Pears”. For that matter though, is a good pear cider like how you make apple cider? You need the pear equivalent of a crab apple? A crab pear?

“Vegan Friendly”. What the fuck is that even supposed to mean? It’s a goddamn pear cider. Does normal pear cider have meat or dairy hid in it somewhere?

Fucking Millenials be like:



Pear Juice, Contains Sulphies


Fuckers prove to me these are hand-picked pears. I fucking dare you. Fucking contrived bullshit.

What do you call two pears anyways? A pair of pears? I know a girl that likes a good pair. It’s edible too.


Jesus this shit is clear.  I’m talking white girl doing the macerena which at church in their small ass town and the only time they’ve seen black people was when they saw The Cosby Show growing up.

Seriously… Fucking Bill Cosby you ruined an entire generation and their childhood.  You were supposed to be a good one.  You were goddamn Doctor Huxtable.  Words can’t express the disappointment.

So yeah, this shit is white to the point that it’s clear just like Wednesday Addams titties.  A good small tight bubble.


Oh god I am not digging this.  That ain’t pear… That shit ain’t pear.  Fuck I have to drink this now don’t I?  It smells like goddamn chemicals.

This is not what I want.  I smell no pear.  I smell the last thing from a natural thing.  What the fuck Eden Grove?!


A step up from the smell?  There is a very subtle hint of pear when you mix it in with the cleaning fluids they made this with.  Makes sense considering this was made in a goddamn cauldron.

For the longest time I had the hots for Bette Midler.  She has some goddamn curves and I’ve always had an unhealthy obsession with older women.  What I do not have an unhealthy obsession for is this goddamn drek I’m drinking right now.  I seriously want to plug my nose on each swig.  It tastes of chemicals and booze.  There is no pear.  There is no God.  He had forsaken us when this cider was made.