People can’t be encouraged to drink this shit it is objectively bad in how blah it is.
If this cider were half as good as the actress who plays Elaine is hot I might consider having another one of these before letting my neighbours dog piss in my mouth. Fuck now I’m transfixed on her mouth above. A comment for another day. I have a hair thing. There’s a lot of things that I instantly get attracted to with women. For some fucking strange reason hair is on that list.
So don’t buy this crap. If you want to drink shit cider fine but there’s better shit cider than this and not only that you’re at least lining the pockets of some asshat who doesn’t know how to make cider not a corporate multi-national feeding off our stupidity and changes in habits.
Marketing on point for Molson which I guess should be expected cause they make so much goddamn money even though the “Canadian” part is a bit disingenuous anymore. Molson American just doesn’t have that ring though. What about Coors Canadian? What about “Fuck this I’m about to embark on some corporate bullshit cider which isn’t going to be bad but it’s probably not going to be good either leaving me in this grey area of disappointment like that first time I had sex with that ugly chick and regretted it.”
So before I embark on that journey of oddly specific nonsense you must wonder where the truth lies let’s enjoy this can. I like the colour scheme and it stands out. It’s a good vibrant red. Molson has good branding. Clearly representing everything. It’s CIDER. It’s 5%. It’s best served over ice!
Wait. Zach I need you to fill in for me on this.
Let’s dig in motherfuckers!
“MADE WITH CANADIAN APPLES”
“FAIT AVEC DES POMMES CANADIENNES”
Sigh… I’ll give them the french. They’re so fucking large with a history here they go hardcore on the bilingual everwhere. That said. Fuck this noise. Technically saying “MADE WITH CARBON ATOMS” is also valid. I’d seriously pay someone to make some fucking nonsense drink directed at hipsters and put that on the label.
Shit has more head than that magical time when you first start a relationship and it’s almost like you can’t keep your dick out of her mouth. Shit that reminds me of the next review I need to do should any people of the homosexual persuasion happen to be reading this blog. Anyways, shit has that much head. If you know what I’m talking about well…
After the head goes away and reality of a steady relationship comes crashing back down on you there’s actually little to know bubble.
Smells like corporate… This is gonna sound oddly specific but shit smells like it’s made in the same goddamn place as their beer. It’s like when you go back on your deck and touch your tomato plants and then you can smell tomato plant on your hand for a bit because it lingers. This shit smells like they switched over the lines for a day to produce cider but it retains a lingering smell of their beer. I mean… If you like the smell of Molson then this will be home for you but for a cider drinker…
So Guy… You gonna take me to flavortown with this cider now?
Ya you’re a bit skeptical I get it. I really do. So let me start. Remember what I said like 10 goddamn seconds ago? This shit was made on the same goddamn lines as their beer and you can fucking taste it too. It’s by no means like a hopped beer (fuck that noise) but there’s like a lingering beer taste I can’t shake and it’s giving me a sense of what the fuck. This cider isn’t helping anyone at this point. It’s about as much as you would expect. If you like shit beer you’re going to like shit cider so I guess this is for you?
Hey Bambi. Your mom isn’t coming back just like the happiness I had before drinking this corporate soulless cider.