Strongbow Original Dry



I don’t get the popularity of this shit.  It’s like Magner’s.  It’s not bad.  It’s just… there’s so much more out there that’s better.  Do yourself a favour and avoid this middling drink.  I’m sorry Dutch.


Man it’s been so long since I held something big and black in my hand.  Shit is cold too I think it’s been in my fridge too long.

I mean there’s cans and then there’s this beautiful Big Black Can.

Oh shit that’s not the can.  I got confused cause of the black and grey.

So this can really doesn’t say much.  Strongbow has a fairly consistent design but also very bleh.  I do like the use of black and gold.  It doesn’t really scream apple but it’s a good mix.  It gets to my life view that black and gold go together well.  White is meant for silver.  It’s just how it is.  I’m watching Key and Peele and just saw a grown man give another man a titty twister.  Man I love me titties.


God I have nice feet.  I mean I’d suck my toes.



Contains Sulphites


A strong yellow hue and that bubbling that comes from a pee when you know shit ain’t right with your kidneys… or is it your liver? Regardless shit ain’t right.  It’s got a good sustained bubble.  Fuck I hate jogging pants and any other goddamn type of pant where you put your fucking work phone in the pocket but because it’s a shit ass Samsung S8 that’s slipperier than trying to get a commitment out of a non-commital man it keeps falling out of your goddamn pocket onto the parquet floor.  And this is why you get broken fucking phones.  If I was Donald Trump I would find some way to pin this problem on the Mexicans.  Perhaps I can tell them to buy me a new phone?  I’m going to get a new phone, and the Mexicans are going to pay for it!  What a goddamn asshat.

Americans you should be fucking embarrassed.  I feel I’ve gone through this before.  If politicians are supposed to represent the average person that elects them this speaks so poorly of your nation.


This has a damn good apple smell as in I can almost smell the variety of apples it’s coming from. If I had half a wit about me I’d be able to call that apple smell. I can’t. Fuck you. I wanna say MacIntosh which, if you’re from Ontario you will know are everywhere and god they are a shit apple. Skin doesnt have a nice snap to it when you break with your teeth and there’s no crunch. It’s like if there was a tree called disappointment and they grew apples on it. The smell though… it’s a nice smelling apple. I have high hopes for what the Dutch have brought me.


There’s almost a candy aspect to this cider as you drink it. It’s not bad by any means but it lacks a tartness I am looking for.  It sure as shit isn’t dry which leads me to one of my favourite childhood jokes.

So I grew up in a small rural area in Southwestern Ontario.  The home of the Turtle Races because apparently animal cruelty became a thing.  So where I grew up it was a lot of Dutch descendants.  I mean to the point of my yearbook was filled with too many goddamn “Van whateverdefucks”  On any given day I felt like I was living in “The Children of the Corn” just waiting for fucking Malachi to do some stupid shit.

Imagine this but with more blondes and more stupid.

Hmm… Nah shit ain’t right.

So anyways where was I?  So favourite joke.

Q.  What’s worse than a Dutch person building a bridge in the middle of the desert?
A. A Newfie fishing off of it.

There were also many times of saying “Wooden Shoes.  Wooden Head.  Wouldn’t Listen.”

There is an apple taste there though as I pull it back to the flavour.  It’s not bad.  It’s not great but it’s not bad.