Somersby Apple Flavoured Cider



This is my dads doing. I have no fucking clue why. I know Somersby has been around for a while I imagine his love of this goes back to this was the only cider that was available for years that wasn’t called Strongbow? When you live in the middle of butt-fuck Ontario this is the only cider you can find? I have no fucking clue. I’ve drunk worse… My God have I drank worse… But something is just off with this. This shit ain’t cider. You know there’s a fucking opioid problem when they just put a government add on TV telling you about Naloxone kits and the Good Samaritan law. Just like this cider I find myself just thinking “What the fuck are we doing? Like really?” All I want is to not put up with the incessant bullshit and have my dick sucked. Is that too much to ask? You know what? That shit smells like a segue. Because we’re on my dick let’s move on to…


and a small package it is!

Sigh. tf is this? “Apple Flavoured Cider”? They get a point for proper grammar (fuck you America dropping the goddamn “u”). I mean I just have so many questions at this point but let’s look at the can and my fucking god an announcer just said that “maybe his tum tum feels better”. I wish I could make this shit up. This can… I like green. I like simplistic. I actually really enjoy the green and yellow together. I like the name. Somersby. It makes me think of some old codger piddling in a farm fixing his tractor or something. No electronics around. Simple times. Other than that… Fuck me… “Apple Flavoured Cider”?

You get one goddamn picture because you need to feel the disappointment.


Water, Fermented Apple Juice, Sugar, Apple Juice Concentrate, Disappointment, Citric Acid (Acidity Regulator), Flavour (Apple), Tears, Potassium Sorbate (as a Preservative), Caramel Colour, Contains Sulphites


It took a long time for the fizz to go down on this like trying to get your wife of 5+ years to suck you off. Then again the fizz eventually does go down so I guess this cider has something on your wife? It’s got a nice mid-yellow hue.



Smells strong and definitely of apple. It doesn’t smell like a cider and it doesn’t smell like an apple juice. I can’t explain it. It smells like a cider I have not had before. That said, this is my first “Apple Flavoured Cider”. They just had a BMO commercial with a gay dude couple celebrating an anniversary. I mean I couldn’t give a shit but as someone who, just like with technology, grew up in a world where shit like this was not the norm for years… It’s gonna keep being weird seeing it. Difference being I ain’t no homophone. So I wanted to make a joke on this. I did an image search on “homophone gif” and I got this.

I got nothing at this point. We keep straying further from God’s light. This cider may be more proof.

Apples that are over-ripe and turning from sweet good to sweet compost. That’s the smell.


I’m not disappointed… Shit is sweet like you wouldn’t imagine. Like too much of this and you’re going to get gut-rot. It’s good though. Like if I could imagine a world with a dessert cider this may be and example of it? I’d make some sort of weird cider float concoction with this. I have no idea what a cider float would be I just know this would be the base. Vanilla ice cream. Cinnamon. Hmmm… Pecans… Fuck.