Apple goddamn-flavoured water. This shit is just disappointing like a red-headed step-child.
I’m sorry Ryan. I can’t love you because you’re a soulless anomaly. Like Harry Potter I would lock your ass under a stairwell with this cider to think about what you are and why no one loves you.
You’re thinking to yourself, “I have a baby shower to go to. The woman is an insufferable twat. Her husband is a douche. Her oldest kid constantly picks fights with my oldest. It’s going to be a bunch of mincing bitches talking about their mommy groups like I give a shit while I’m working a 9-5 raising 2 kids. I want to drink. I can’t relate with these bitches but I don’t want it to look obvious. What the fuck do I drink?”
Well guess what you hot-ass moms? Here’s your drink!
Like me this can looks good. It’s a bit feminine but still masculine. It’s clean. It’s clear. I’d decorate a baby boys room with this can.
I don’t think I need to know or care that the cider is made where a prison used to be but sure?
Apples (no sulphites listed anywhere… Should I be worried?)
This shit is cleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeear like it’s almost water. I feel like I’m staring at 1999 Christina Ricci’s tits that’s how clear this shit is.
I mean they’re so goddamn white but I’d motorboat the shit out of those puppies. I’m 100% an ass man but fuck I love me some titties.
Anyways, this cider is also as flat as 2019 Christina Ricci. Time is an evil motherfucker.
I pull it to my nose and I smell apples. This is a good start. There’s a slight hint of a chemical smell there but not disgusting. It also smells a bit flat. That I can’t explain but it’s there.
Yeah I’m back to the flat again. That seems to be consistent with this drink. I want 1999 Christina Ricci goddamn it and this is what I got.
Ya she’s still hot. Yeah that’s a heart in her hand. It’s my heart. Cause she took it from me like how her tits melted off.
You know how this is “0g sugar”? You take a sip and you goddamn know why. This is a fucking lie. It’s apple flavoured water. They sucked the life out of goddamn apple juice. This is like getting a box of fucking cookies to find out they’re gluten free cookies. Yeah it’s a box of cookies but fuck you.