Malus Cider House Hopped Cider


5/10 (That’s 5 out of 10 phallus’ because c’mon)

I feel like we’re trying too hard.  As a society we’ve “found” cider and as such you have every last asshat trying to throw whatever is in their kitchen into a glass to see if it works when, at the end of the day, simplicity is key.  I don’t need no fancy shit.  I’m not hating this.  I’ll nurse it and finish it.  I’m not buying another can.  I will not judge someone for buying this.  It’s just not my cup of tea.  With practice I think someone may actually like it.  It’s making me think of when I started going to The Amsterdam Brewery when they used to be on King Street West and many nights adjusting to that hops taste.


I’m really digging this can despite the overblown religious shenanigans going on.  Like c’mon a snake and a chick and an apple.  The chick should be naked.  That said though… If I were a girl I’d be wary of trees.  Sam Raimi kind of ruined trees for me.

That said… I guess horror movies in general did that.

Seriously no good comes from trees.  Fuck trees.  They deserve to be cut up and burned.  Going around attacking women and raping them.  So anyways.. back to tree-rape free cider that rhymes with Phallus.  I like the can and I don’t like it.  Something about the clutter annoys me.  The font could be better.  It looks like another can which could pass as a c-grade art project.


Fermented Apple Juice, Sugar, Hops, Sulphites

Oh no… Sugar… I’m concerned.  Like genuinely… Why fucking sugar?  It’s not needed.  Why in the loving Hell do people still by apple sauce with sugar?


Clear.  Crisp.  A little flat?  Imma call this shit Keira Knightly.

What’s important is it’s not the volume that matters cause I don’t care if flat as long as the taste is there.  I’m curious to see what I’m going to get.


I smell hops.  It’s like someone poured cider in my beer… or beer in my cider… I’m genuinely confused.  I feel like if I was with a supermodel and was making out all night to finally start undressing and finding out she’s packing a bigger dick than me.  I mean… Up until this point it wasn’t a problem do I ride that shit out?  I don’t fucking know.  I’m shit with hypotheticals.


Perplexed.  That’s how you sell this goddamn bider.  I’m calling it a fucking bider now.  Or should it be a cideer?  ceer?  It’s fucking weird.  You smell the hops when you pull to your nose but it’s a soft hops smell.  You take a swig and “BAM” there’s the hops but again they’re not horrible.  The hops taste goes away and it’s apple and it’s a nice apple.  There’s some body in the drink and a very, very light carbonation to the point it’s barely there.  The flavours aren’t a failure I just don’t know if it was what I was looking for.  The right person this is probably amazing.  You can taste the sugar too.  Shit is sweet like me.