Overall
6/10
Are we at war with Eurasia or Eastasia now? I can never get that straight. I don’t get why you fuckers are dancing. This cider is good. Distance might make me enjoy it more knowing I’m not going to have another one of these soon.
1 can had 200 calories. Jesus Fucking Christ. This is how middle-aged men get beer guts. Best goddamn image ever.
I’m gonna let my coke-addled friend Macho Man Randy Savage close off this review.
Packaging
We are all witness to Paul Bunyan’s cider can. For the lift of me I’d love to understand what the obsession is with Americans and big things. It’s the country equivalent of “little dick syndrome”.
This can was gifted to me so due to it being free I’m sure it will taste much better. That said, American has fucked up lax laws on so many things the ceiling is kind if the floor.
So yeah holding this can is the first time I feel like I’m holding a proper can. It’s like when you’re used to holding your little kid dick when you pee as a 9 year old and then one day your weird friend at the bike shop Mr. Horton asks you to hold his penis when he pees and you’re surprised by how big it is and “oh my god why are you peeing white pee Mr. Horton and why are you moaning?”.
Dude. You left me with a mincing pedophile. Fuck you Arnold!
Ingredients
Crushed childhood memories. Also Apple Juice and Maltic Acid. CONTAINS SULPHITES YO!
Gives new meaning to “Diff’rent Strokes” doesn’t it? Just make sure you always remember the golden rules.
Appearance
Just how I like my cider. America. It had a great pour. Little head. Good light yellow hue and a really tight small bubble. It’s sparkling in my glass. My floor magically changed. Yeah that’s right motherfuckers I have a house with multiple types of parquet. Am I a Russian Jew or trapped in the 80’s?
Aroma
You pull the cider to your nose and the smell is very very faint to the point it’s almost a smell of nothing. That’s not a bad thing. You may say to yourself.
Not in this case. In this case they smell like empty promises.
Flavor
This shit ain’t taste half bad. It’s a bit muted in taste and you can definitely taste that it’s apple juice but after saying that let’s drive full tilt into the fact that for a country that waters the shit out of their beer this is 6.3%. That’s just fucking nonsense for an American. I could see myself having a few of these so there has definitely been worse cider. I don’t know when I’m going to find myself having another one of these cans. The east coaster in mean wants to believe that cider from the midwest or east coast would be better. Maybe even from Boston am I right Marky Mark? Sit back and enjoy the ride you motherfucker.
